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Maksim

Daily humor thread

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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and

I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."       

 Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,  Mr. Smith replies,

"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"       

 Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bruce replies,

"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,

"Our allowance,  Jenny makes five bucks a week and

I make 10 bucks a week.   

 That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.        

 

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

 

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"     

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."       

 

 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

 
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One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

 

The Marine looks at the man and says,

 

“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

 

The old man says,

 

“Okay,” and walks away.

 

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,

 

“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

 

The Marine again tells the man,

 

“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

 

The man thanks him and again walks away.

 

On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,

 

“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”

 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,

 

“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

 

The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

 

The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

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The job I'm on required my partner and I  to remove the sign from the front of the building , The sign had individual letters.  We left a couple of letters out on a bench for our foreman, who drives by at random times.  :gaming:

 

IMG_1068_zpsihcxthyc.jpg

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Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader

of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the

streets.

 

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

 

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

 

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

  

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag                  musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.

 

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to

happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

 

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what is your final wish?

 

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

 

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

 

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

 

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

  

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

  

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one,  and with an AK-47,

which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

  

 In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.  

  

 As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?

 Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

  

  'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'   

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