There are many guns that fit your description but my main home defense guns is a HK VP9. I have short fingers but the new HK's have changeable side grips as well as rear. This is the only gun that really fits my hands well. My wife can shoot it with ease and she is only 110 lbs. Smaller guns fit my hands well but they are lightweight so they recoil more than a bigger gun.
You can always mitigate recoil by using lighter ammo. The new ARX ammo is lightweight and sometimes feels like a .22 in my larger guns. Interesting design. There is a few others that make light recoiling 9mm ammo so that is one way to lessen recoil.
Take a look at the guns that have replaceable grip panels. Those are your best bet. My choice would be the Ruger 9mm 1911. Nice slim grip and its weight absorbs recoil nicely. I love 1911 guns, especially for range use. Also look at single stack guns as their grips are thinner. In NJ where I could not carry I had a 1911 and CZ75. Both good guns and easy to shoot. If you can try a gun out first before buying it, look at the Glock 19. Even though the grips are thick, they fit my hand well. For me, as it would be for you, the important dimension will be trigger reach, not grip thickness.
Your best bet is to go to a gun store and hold a few guns in your price range, 9mm recoil is not a lot. Most if it is mental. You can shoot 100-200 rounds in a 9mm and not be sore afterwards if you properly hold the gun and it is not too light or small.
Take a look at the Walther PPQ line as well as the S&M M&P line.The VP9 is a good choice with a good trigger and you can configure your grips anyway you like. The new Ruger American 9mm is another good gun worth looking at and has the ability to change out the rear backstrap. I have found Rugers to be very reliable and although most of my guns are from HK and Sig, I own a few Ruger's too and never had a problem with them. Their 1911's are a bargain for their price point compared to similar 1911's with the same or similar features. Good luck but I went through a lot of guns before I found the ones that fit my hand best.