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Maksim

Daily humor thread

By Maksim, in General Discussion

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SmittyMHS    603

SmittyMHS
Posted

QUOTE OF THE DECADE

A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.”    

 

And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison." 
 

 

                     Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix

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Maksim    1,504

Maksim
Posted

Here is one I stole from another site I visit.

 

 

50 Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit ?



2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80..
Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
()There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)



6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?



7. Year 2010:

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's Property, he won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says its OK anyway cuz its redistributing the wealth, forget about the math.

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SmittyMHS    603

SmittyMHS
Posted
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man   
is a shame, two is a law firm,   
and three or more is a congress.   
-- John Adams

 
2. If you don't read the newspaper   
you are uninformed, if you do   
read the newspaper you are   
misinformed. -- Mark Twain

 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And   
suppose you were a member of   
Congress. But then I repeat   
myself. -- Mark Twain

 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a   
man standing in a bucket and   
trying to lift himself up by the   
handle. --Winston Churchill

 
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on   
the support of Paul. -- George   
Bernard Shaw

 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a   
great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon   
Liddy

 

 
7. Giving money and power to   
government is like giving whiskey   
and car keys to teenage boys.   
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

 

 
8. Government's view of the   
economy could be summed up   
in a few short phrases: If it   
moves, tax it. If it keeps   
moving, regulate it. And if it   
stops moving, subsidize it.   
--Ronald Reagan (1986)

 
9. I don't make jokes.     I just watch
the government and report the   
facts. -- Will Rogers

 
10. If you think health care is   
expensive now, wait until you   
see what it costs when it's free!   
-- P. J. O'Rourke
 
                                      

 
11. No man's life, liberty, or   
property is safe while the   
legislature is in session.   
-- Mark Twain (1866)

 
12. Talk is cheap, except when   
Congress does it. -- Anonymous

 
 

 
13. The inherent vice of capitalism is   
the unequal sharing of the blessings.     The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --     Winston Churchill

 
14. The only difference between a   
tax man and a taxidermist is that   
the taxidermist leaves the skin.   
--     Mark Twain
 

 
15. There is no distinctly Native   
American criminal class, save   
Congress. -- Mark Twain

 
16. What this country needs are   
more unemployed politicians   
--Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)

 
17. A government big enough to give you everything you want, i s   
strong enough to take everything   
you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
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SmittyMHS    603

SmittyMHS
Posted
Little Johnny got sent home from school for getting caught having sex with one of his teachers. He was met at the door by his Mom and was told to go to up to his room and be prepared to deal with his Father when he gets home from work. 
     When Johnny’s Dad got home, he was told that HIS son got caught having sex with his teacher and He needed to deal with him.
      As his father was going up the stairs he was thinking he was kind proud of his son, he remembered being in school and having similar thoughts when he was young.
     When he got into the bedroom he told Johnny he wasn’t mad, but had to act like he was because his Mom was really upset at him.     
     He said, “Lets go out after dinner for a bike ride, we’ll get some ice cream and have a talk”
      Johnny says “that sounds great dad, but I don’t think I’m up for a bike ride, my butt still hurts from this afternoon at school” 

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SmittyMHS    603

SmittyMHS
Posted
Security System Alternative



 





First I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on Ebay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.





 





I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.





 





I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.





 





Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on Ebay) and ran it up the flag pole ...





 





Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.  





 





I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving the $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.





 





Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel.  Everyone moves out of the way and security won't pat us down.





 





Hot Damn -- Safe at last.


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