Daily humor thread

[SmittyMHS 603]

 

Late last night at the White House

[Burns 16]

[Zeke 5,504]

11 hours ago, Burns said:

Lol!!! Ok that's funny 

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[tony357 386]

Glock 41 long slide in natural. 

[SuRrEaLNJ 294]

[silverado427 10,715]

 

[BobA 1,235]

[SmittyMHS 603]

 Florida Man Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol:

 

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed man with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

 

A Beretta Jetfire. Here’s his story in his own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-wife discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!" 
"Just one shot to my estranged wife’s knee cap was all it took. 
The 'gator got her easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. Her life insurance was a big bonus

[silverado427 10,715]

[SmittyMHS 603]

Best comment regarding recent Confederate statues reactions...

1. and the lack of historical context is appalling ! 

Blacks who were never slaves are fighting whites who were never Nazis over a Confederate statue

erected by southern Democrats because now Democrats can't stand their own history anymore......

yet somehow, it's Trumps fault!

 

I hope this explains the mentality of most in the democratic party.

Now, where were we in the Russian thing?

 

 

 

 

 

[High Exposure 5,664]

*Cross posted in the Glock 17M/Gen5 release thread

[Krdshrk 3,877]

[Burns 16]

[louu 399]

[silverado427 10,715]

[louu 399]

Wow, just wow

 

Even the cop didn't know 

[PK90 3,570]

He probably was locked up for disorderly conduct for when he went bizerk over their ignorance of a $2 bill.

[Ray Ray 3,566]

5 hours ago, louu said:

Wow, just wow

 

Even the cop didn't know 

My dad's in big trouble, he has about 200 of them.

[SmittyMHS 603]

[silverado427 10,715]

[SmittyMHS 603]

Dear Friends: 

 

I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.

 

We originally wanted to put her on Mt Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

 

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Barack Obama, who never told the truth, because frankly, Hillary never could tell the difference.

 

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money ... magnificent to say the least !

 

Thank you,

 

The Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

 

postscript: The Committee has raised $2.16 so far     Actually, somebody donated  $1,000,000 but did it thru the Clinton Foundation. The Foundation sent the $2.16 on to us with the Clinton family keeping the balance for 'administrative expenses' .

 

 

[SmittyMHS 603]

23 ADULT TRUTHS

01. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

02. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

03. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

04. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

05. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

06. Was learning cursive really necessary?

07. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

08. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

09. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray?  I don't want to have to restart my collection, again!

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 

21. Shirts get dirty.  Underwear gets dirty.  Pants?  Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey.  But, I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.  That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies ... Quit Laughing!

Life just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.  The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.   After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.  I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.  I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod.  This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[Krdshrk 3,877]

[silverado427 10,715]

[Zeke 5,504]

2 hours ago, silverado427 said:

Ammo sexual?

lol

[silverado427 10,715]

[Zeke 5,504]

14 minutes ago, silverado427 said:

Ha ha!

[Burns 16]

..

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[silverado427 10,715]

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