Daily humor thread

[SmittyMHS 603]

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The  angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The  angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to  Heaven.  Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day  for eternity.”

The  angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same  question.

The  Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The  Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!  Would you explain that to me?”

 "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no  matter how big they are."

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[silverado427 10,715]

[silverado427 10,715]

[High Exposure 5,664]

[silverado427 10,715]

2 hours ago, High Exposure said:

TRUE THAT.

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[SmittyMHS 603]

2nd term

[silverado427 10,715]

[SmittyMHS 603]

[45Doll 5,877]

Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America?

Because Freedom rings.

[father-of-three 243]

[silverado427 10,715]

[njJoniGuy 2,131]

15 minutes ago, silverado427 said:

In my mind, brings up the idea of a DUMBO DROP

Where's the GoFundMe page??

[SmittyMHS 603]

Moving to Mexico

 

Dear Senate and Congress:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico , and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, the President of Mexico, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking Government bureaucrats for all services I might
need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican Government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking(bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flagpoles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don't plan to
purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo
from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every
patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put U.S. flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th.  I do not want
any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12.. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or
have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be
extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or
about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need income tax credits so that although I don't pay Mexican
taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Government pays $4,500.00 to
help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican
Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things
for all of his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico.

 

I am sure that the President of Mexico won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Do you see how stupid this looks when you put it in writing????

 

P.S.  Please be sure to include my need for a free cell phone & a swimming pool at my subsidized housing.

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[TokenEntry 293]

 

[silverado427 10,715]

[Lakota 342]

[PeteF 1,044]

On 6/29/2018 at 1:32 PM, High Exposure said:

http://insider.foxnews.com/2018/07/10/womens-march-mocked-releasing-statement-opposing-scotus-nominee-xx

And mockery becomes the truth.

[silverado427 10,715]

[PeteF 1,044]

[SmittyMHS 603]

[DirtyDigz 1,812]

A little anecdote from my last visit to rural England:

 A few months ago I was in a village, for their fete, where I'd been to a church harvest festival back in the autumn of 2014. Two elderly women were chatting next to the early season vegetables. No idea of their names (and that's probably wise), so will call them Edith (the obviously frank one) and Mary (the quieter and more tactful one).

Edith: You look a bit familiar.
Me: I was here a few autumns back for the harvest festival.
Mary: Oh yes, I remember you. The tall man. 
Me: Yes; I enjoyed the service, and the supper afterwards. Everyone was very friendly.
Edith: Do you remember the vicar?
Me: {struggles a bit} Quiet, elderly man? Served me a nice cup of tea and a jammy dodger [type of biscuit] afterwards?
Edith: Yes, that was him. Philip {I have made this name up for soon to become clear reasons}.
Me: Yes, I remember.
Mary: Such a shame about him.
Me: {dread} Oh no; has he passed away?
Edith: Oh, not at all. Well, he may have. He had to leave.
Me: Why?
Edith: Horse fucking.
Me: {pause} Sorry?
Edith: Horse fucking.
Me: {pause} He ... {longer pause} with horses?
Mary: No, not quite like that. The church laptop had a problem, and it went to be repaired. And whoever repaired it found lots and lots and lots of pictures.
Edith: Of horse fucking.
Me: {pause} You mean ... horses having sex with each other?
Edith: No. Men fucking horses.
{At this EXACT POINT nearby, and why I remember this so vividly, someone's phone rings. And the phone ringing tone is the theme to the TV series Black Beauty}
Me: {pause} I had not heard of this.
Mary: Apparently it is a thing with some men.
Me: No, I meant specifically Philip and ... horses.
Edith: {a bit animated} Well, it's not really something we can put on the cover of the monthly church newsletter, is it?! Visit {name of church} which has a nice spire and a vicar who is into horse fucking.
Me: So ... {not sure I want to know but too curious not to ask} ... is he in prison?
Edith: No. There were all these police cars and a right hoo hah and they went through everything and took him away. We never saw him again. He is on some kind of register as, well, I don't know, a register of {almost spits out this next word} men who are into horse fucking.
Mary: It was just like Gary Glitter.
Edith: No, Mary. Philip was into horse fucking. Gary was...
Mary: No, I know, I meant his laptop was being repaired and they found lots of pictures. Bad pictures.
Edith: Yes. Anyway, we have a new vicar now. And he is very nice, and his sermons don't go on for ever, and he makes a lovely cup of tea, and he is not into horse fucking.
Me: {pause} How ... {pause} do you know?
Edith: {like I have asked the most stupidest question ever} It's the very first thing we asked him, of course.

[TokenEntry 293]

[silverado427 10,715]

Sad but True

[Shawnmoore81 623]

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[silverado427 10,715]

[silverado427 10,715]

[SmittyMHS 603]