Daily humor thread

[silverado427 10,716]

[JMich3 152]

Gotta love the Onion

 

[silverado427 10,716]

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[silverado427 10,716]

[silverado427 10,716]

[Scorpio64 5,154]

A woman walks into a Tennessee Welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'Wow,' the social worker exclaims, ‘Are they all yours?'

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ‘Sit down Billy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, ‘Then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.’

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Billy and the girls are all named Billie.”

In disbelief, the case worker says, ‘Are you serious? They're all named Billy?

'Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Billy!' an' when it's time for dinner,

I just yell Billy!' and they all come running.

'And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Billy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Billy.’

The case worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’

'Then I call them by their last names.

 

[45Doll 5,877]

An original. How my longtime friend watched the SOTU:

 

[silverado427 10,716]

[SmittyMHS 603]

 

Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.  This one caught me totally by surprise.  Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.  
 
Here's how the scam works;   Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  (It's impossible not to look).  When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but

instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
 
You agree and they climb into the vehicle.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
 
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th.  Also December 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
 
So tell your friends to be careful.  What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.
 
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.  I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
 
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's.  I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
 
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[Pizza Bob 1,488]

You know, if we start the rumor that illegal immigrants are smuggling plastic straws across the border, we could get the liberals to fund the wall.

[Lakota 342]

[mustang69 505]

14 hours ago, Pizza Bob said:

You know, if we start the rumor that illegal immigrants are smuggling plastic straws across the border, we could get the liberals to fund the wall.

All we need is a poll headline that says something like "Immigrant families voting Republican..." and the wall would be funded within hours.

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[silverado427 10,716]

[silverado427 10,716]

[silverado427 10,716]

[Bighungry618 450]

Just now, silverado427 said:

Ok... that was funny.  Now I'm going to Chick-Fil-A

Thanks for that.

[silverado427 10,716]

[silverado427 10,716]

[silverado427 10,716]

[Lakota 342]

[Maksim 1,504]

 

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

[High Exposure 5,664]