Daily humor thread

[njpilot 671]

[njpilot 671]

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[45Doll 5,877]

Two Ronald Reagan / Russian jokes I came across that I never heard before.

A man stands in the line to buy a car. He plunks down the money for his new car. The person in charge says, “Come back in ten years to pick up your car.” The buyer says, “Morning or afternoon?” “Does it really matter?” says the person in charge. “Yes — the plumber’s scheduled to come in the morning.”

One morning, Leonid Brezhnev walks onto his balcony and says, “Good morning, sun!” The sun says, “Good morning, Comrade Brezhnev, General-Secretary of the Communist Party of the Glorious Soviet Union!” After lunch, Brezhnev goes out onto his balcony again and says, “Good afternoon, sun!” The sun replies, “Good afternoon, Comrade Brezhnev, General-Secretary of the Communist Party of the Great, Historic Soviet Union!” Later, as the sun is setting, Brezhnev says, “Good evening, sun!” The sun says, “F*** you, Leonid. I’m in the West now.”

[silverado427 10,715]

[Scorpio64 5,153]

I made a snowman...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 am: A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snowwoman.

8:15 am: So, I made a snowwoman.

8:17 am: My feminist neighbor complained about the snowwoman's voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snowwomen everywhere.

8:20 am: The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 am: My transgender friend passed by and asked why I didn't just make one snowperson with detachable parts.

8:25 am: The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 am: I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 am: The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 am: The police arrive, saying someone has been offended.

8:42 am: The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snowwoman needs to be removed, because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 am: The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 am: My local TV news crew from the ABC showed up, asking me if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen. I replied, "Snowballs." Now I’m called a sexist.

9:00 am: I'm on the morning news, being described as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 am: I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 am: Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding I be charged by the Anti-Everything Commissioner and then beheaded.

So, how's your morning been?

[silverado427 10,715]

[SmittyMHS 603]

Every week, I enter the state lottery hoping to win; I never did.

 

Finally, I prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, as I walked around the State Fair.

 

A flash of lightning struck as I was passing by Nadine's carnival stall.

 

She was bending over and I saw she was not wearing panties.  I could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.

 

I bet on 77, as I thought God had given me a sign.

 

Sadly, I lost again.

 

The winning number was 707.

 

Moral of the story : Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[45Doll 5,877]

Peloton vs. Impeachment? Peloton wins!

A bonus: gin trumps Peloton. Be sure to watch the three videos.

[silverado427 10,715]

[High Exposure 5,664]

[silverado427 10,715]

 

[High Exposure 5,664]

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[louu 399]

7 hours ago, High Exposure said:

That was the first time for as long as I can remember that I got a chuckle out of this thread. Thanks man. 

[Handyman 5,682]

[njpilot 671]

[silverado427 10,715]

[CMJeepster 2,778]

8 hours ago, silverado427 said:

#metoo

[High Exposure 5,664]

[silverado427 10,715]

[fishnut 2,358]

17 minutes ago, silverado427 said:

Not gonna lie. I printed a few of these and placed them around the break room at work. 

[High Exposure 5,664]

[Displaced Texan 11,739]

[High Exposure 5,664]

[bhunted 887]

OK, I can see cut and paste is the new (lazy) way for humor and jokes. So here is one of my old cop jokes from many moons ago.

There is this bar that one particular officer stays in hiding outside every night around closing.
His mission: To arrest the first disorderly drunk before he can drive away.
So like any night, he awaits his unsuspected victim. 

Out strolls this unsuspected soul. Stumbling down the stairs, drops his keys and fumbles to pick them up several times, trips and falls head over heals... He finally gets into his car and just as he starts it, the officers says, "Stay right there and put your hands on the steering wheel.." The officer shines his flashlight around and asks the fellow  to get out of his car and as doing so, asks what has he done? The officer says, "I'm guessing your are drunk as a skunk and if you are, I will tow your car and arrest you".
He exclaimed that he was in no way drunk.

Officer says, "OK, time for some sobriety tests". I want you to walk that white line. He does so and he walks it perfect. He then asks him to balance himself on one foot. He does so without moving an inch. The officer is scratching his head. The fellow said, "I told you I am not drunk". Officer says, "BS, you must be. I just watched you take multiple falls, drop your keys, etc. So one more test".

He whips out his ACME XXX Breath Analyzer. The guy blows a perfect 0.0 on the meter. Now the cop is frustrated and very confused. He said, "I just don't get it. How can you not be drunk"? The fellow said, "I've been telling you that". In the mean time, the bar has emptied and they were the last 2 standing there. The fellow said, "tonight, it was my turn". Officer said, '"turn for what"?

"TO BE THE DESIGNATED DECOY"!!! 

[njpilot 671]

[silverado427 10,715]

[High Exposure 5,664]