Daily humor thread

[silverado427 10,669]

[silverado427 10,669]

[Downtownv 1,773]

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

1 hour ago, Downtownv said:

What’s good for us is good enough for them. 

[njpilot 671]

[njpilot 671]

[silverado427 10,669]

[Zeke 5,504]

7 minutes ago, njpilot said:

Ok you win today 

[Downtownv 1,773]

Subject: The lawyer

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

 

He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).

 

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

 

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

The agent asked:"How many children do you have?"

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right words. Don't forget - most politicians are lawyers.

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

[Scorpio64 5,146]

[silverado427 10,669]

[Pizza Bob 1,488]

And Bob thanks you for that PSA

[Downtownv 1,773]

1 hour ago, Pizza Bob said:

And Bob thanks you for that PSA

Poor Bob . He is a no neck, Eunuch

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

Social distancing award winner 

[WP22 1,558]

Meanwhile in Florida de distance recommend to keep apart is one large alligator 

https://www.foxnews.com/us/florida-county-alligator-social-distance-coronavirus

[WP22 1,558]

//

 

[Scorpio64 5,146]

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...The 5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.

Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.

Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.

She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.

Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.

Mary will survive and marry Steve.
Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.

[Downtownv 1,773]

[45Doll 5,873]

Oops. That one got by the screeners.

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

[silverado427 10,669]

[silverado427 10,669]

[JohnnyB 4,321]

Sad thing is, there is someone out there who actually thinks that thing is cool!  Good trigger discipline though!

[10X 3,296]

11 hours ago, JohnnyB said:

Sad thing is, there is someone out there who actually think that thing is cool!  Good trigger discipline though!

It's still bad form to point a gun directly at a camera, and by extension, the viewer, and possibly the camera person.

[45Doll 5,873]

2 minutes ago, 10X said:

It's still bad form to point a gun directly at a camera, and by extension, the viewer, and possibly the camera person.

True, if there was a camera person. Look at the reflection in the largest glass. The camera's on a tripod.

[Scorpio64 5,146]

[Scorpio64 5,146]

[Scorpio64 5,146]

[Scorpio64 5,146]