Daily humor thread

[JohnnyB 4,322]

Just now, 45Doll said:

You forgot the nose!

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

42 minutes ago, JohnnyB said:

You forgot the nose!

Give her instructions on how to make her own mask...using plastic bags and duct tape. Be sure to tape it securely around her whole head. 

[45Doll 5,873]

BTW, here’s the $12-a-pint ice cream that she stuffed into her $24,000 freezer.

[Zeke 5,504]

29 minutes ago, Displaced Texan said:

Give her instructions on how to make her own mask...using plastic bags and duct tape. Be sure to tape it securely around her whole head. 

Auto aristocratic asphyxiation?

[WP22 1,558]

///

 

 

[Zeke 5,504]

Now that’s a great China virus mask!

[45Doll 5,873]

21 hours ago, Zeke said:

Auto aristocratic asphyxiation?

Excellent alliteration!

[Downtownv 1,774]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

 "May I help you?" she asked.

 "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

 "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

 "No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

 Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

 The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

 The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " Pennsylvania."

 "Really" she said. "I have family in Pennsylvania"

 "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you 

your $3,000 inheritance."

 

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

 1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

Formatting, Downtown!!!!!! That’s like impossible to read! 

[Zeke 5,504]

Jeebus @Downtownv they format better in Bayonne!

[Downtownv 1,774]

2 hours ago, Displaced Texan said:

Formatting, Downtown!!!!!! That’s like impossible to read! 

 

55 minutes ago, Zeke said:

Jeebus @Downtownv they format better in Bayonne!

I fixed quit your whining

 

[silverado427 10,679]

[njpilot 671]

[njpilot 671]

[45Doll 5,873]

[Handyman 5,682]

A young man named Zeke bought a horse from a farmer for $250.The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Zeke's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Zeke replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Zeke said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?”
Zeke said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Zeke said, ‘Sure I can. Just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
 

A month later, the farmer met up with Zeke and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Zeke said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Zeke said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
 

Zeke grew up and works now for the government.

[Zeke 5,504]

I have not, repeat not, grown up

[Bighungry618 450]

5 minutes ago, Handyman said:

A young man named Zeke bought a horse from a farmer for $250.The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up to Zeke's house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Zeke replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Zeke said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?”
Zeke said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Zeke said, ‘Sure I can. Just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
 

A month later, the farmer met up with Zeke and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Zeke said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2245.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Zeke said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
 

Zeke grew up and works now for the government.

FTFY  

 

 

[Handyman 5,682]

5 minutes ago, Bighungry618 said:

FTFY  

 

 

I never said Zeke was any good at math. 

[Bighungry618 450]

2 minutes ago, Handyman said:

I never said Zeke was any good at math. 

LMAO.....True.   

[Zeke 5,504]

15 minutes ago, Bighungry618 said:

LMAO.....True.   

Negative! I do math pretty gooder and stuff!

[Bighungry618 450]

 

Grammar/spelling aside......i thought it was funny.

[silverado427 10,679]

[Handyman 5,682]

Greenday sat down at the bar and told the bartender, 'I'll have three shots of whiskey, please."

The bartender replied, "Three shots? Are you celebrating something?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. I just experienced my first blow-job." Greenday responded.

"That's great!" said the bartender. "I'll give you a fourth shot on the house."

"Don't bother," said Greenday. "If the first three shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[45Doll 5,873]

 

 

[45Doll 5,873]

You're isolated at home. Someone in the household is infected. You want to stay safe, but you want to drink. What do you do?

 

[W2MC 1,699]

[Displaced Texan 11,731]

[Downtownv 1,774]

[Zeke 5,504]

12  likes currently at time of this post.

@Handyman won the internet today.

@Greenday jus stfu and take a hint.