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Maksim

Daily humor thread

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On 5/19/2020 at 9:01 AM, Handyman said:

Zeke went searching for an Anniversary Present for his wife.

He went into the department store and approached a salesclerk. “I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” Zeke explained to the attractive saleswoman, “but I don’t know her size.”

She delicately placed her hand in his. “Will this help?” she asked sweetly

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” she asked as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” said Zeke, “she also needs a bra and panties.”

I’m in the midst of a divorce sooo please substitute gf for wife.

-this message has been approved by the #zekefomod campaign 

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We have become a nation that has lost its collective mind!
Lets see if I got this right…
 
 If a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.
 
 Somehow it’s Un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.
 
 Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.
 
 It was cool for Joe Biden to "blackmail" the President of Ukraine, but it's an impeachable offense if the President inquires about it.
 
 Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.
 
 People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.   This after 250,000 white union soldiers died to free the slaves and the subsequent freed slaves had already been given 40 acres and a mule to stimulate their life of freedom.
 
 Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing conservative people in restaurants is virtuous.
 
 People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.
 
 Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you'd better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
 
 Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.
 
 $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for 'free' health care is not.
 
 If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.
 
 People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.
 
 We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.
 
 Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.
 
 Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it's a violation of THEIR rights.
 
 And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us "racists"?!
 
These are available:

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