Daily humor thread

[PeteF 1,044]

[silverado427 10,716]

[Downtownv 1,777]

Singles ad:

Singles ad:

[Downtownv 1,777]

A few to share....

[10X 3,296]

 

 

 

[Downtownv 1,777]

[M1152 713]

 

https://www.cnn.com/2021/06/10/media/jeffrey-toobin-returns-cnn/index.html

wait for it, "working at food bank" LOL

 

=====================================================

 

Parody of CNN Producer Directing the Jeffrey Toobin Interview

https://rumble.com/vifzcp-hilarious-parody-of-cnn-producer-directing-the-jeffrey-toobin-interview.html

 

[silverado427 10,716]

[DaddyNick 408]

[JohnnyB 4,325]

I read this headline on Fox News and said to myself, "I wonder what color the cat is"....Then I scrolled down the page and yep! I was right!

Cat won't stop stealing items from neighbors, woman's sign warns

 

 

 

 

[njJoniGuy 2,131]

Was probably conceived in an alley, with no idea who its father is.

Explains a lot, huh?

[45Doll 5,877]

We have a large wicker basket full of cat-appropriate items. Mice, feathers, birds etc. 

The basket is tipped over as required, items are scoffed, and then distributed around the house as desired. Including placement in my slippers. While carrying said items around the house wails of pronouncement may be occasionally heard. Even with a full mouth.

Once a month we sweep the house to retrieve all the items and reload the basket. Rinse and repeat.

Our cats are indoor only. So no bail is required.

[15636215 454]

Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

 

 

[silverado427 10,716]

[njJoniGuy 2,131]

[NickySantoro 211]

On 6/14/2021 at 4:08 PM, silverado427 said:

First time in her life she ever said that.

[silverado427 10,716]

[PeteF 1,044]

[45Doll 5,877]

An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in DC celebrating Pelosi.  Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past.  Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air.  There were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest parade  ever seen in DC.

Nancy was very impressed and said, "That is really great!  By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"
 

Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

8 minutes ago, 45Doll said:

An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in DC celebrating Pelosi.  Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past.  Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air.  There were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest parade  ever seen in DC.

Nancy was very impressed and said, "That is really great!  By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"
 

Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

I hate parades, but THATS a parade I’ll go to!! 

[Kevin125 4,772]

2 hours ago, Displaced Texan said:

I hate parades, but THATS a parade I’ll go to!! 

We call that..... A Party....

 

[silverado427 10,716]

[silverado427 10,716]

[njJoniGuy 2,131]

https://babylonbee.com/news/half-black-man-ordered-to-pay-himself-reparations

Half-Black Man Ordered To Pay Himself Reparations

June 9th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com

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SAN JOSE, CA—Local half-white, half-black man Michael Preston has been ordered to pay himself reparations since half his ancestors were oppressed and half were oppressors.

 

"Wait -- what?" he said after he received a letter from Governor Gavin Newsom's office informing him he owed himself over $25,000. "Uh... OK? I guess?" He then went down to the bank and ordered a transfer to himself. He was a little short of the total amount so he made it in installments, sending himself several payments totaling the $25,000 amount he owes himself for his ancestors oppressing his other ancestors.

"We'd like to thank Mr. Preston for atoning for the guilt of his ancestors," said Governor Newsom. "Because of them, he has a unique place of privilege in life and has had a leg up on his fellow citizens, who are oppressed because of things that happened hundreds of years ago. Today, he has made that right. Well, until we ask for more reparations later. Frankly, it's never going to stop."

"We'd also like to congratulate Mr. Preston for receiving the reparations long overdue to his ancestors today," said Governor Newsom. "Because of what happened to them, he is in a unique place of oppression in life and has never been able to get ahead of his fellow citizens, who are far more privileged than him because of things that happened hundreds of years ago. Today, that wrong has been righted. Well, until we send him more reparations later. Frankly, it's never going to stop."

Preston has said he'll pay whatever to himself going forward as long as the state just leaves him alone and lets him live his life.

[PK90 3,570]

They forgot to mention that he must pay CA income tax on the payments received.

[DirtyDigz 1,812]

Your move, Biden:

 

[Displaced Texan 11,742]

59 minutes ago, DirtyDigz said:

Your move, Biden:

 

When will they be back in stock? Credit card is twitching. 

[10X 3,296]

Palmetto State Armory just introduced this, at a fairly decent price:  PSA Tyranny 15 stripped lower

[M1152 713]

Alexa, we need guns…

https://t.co/UjN08HdYWe

[45Doll 5,877]

Next up: Alexa... We Need AMMO!