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Maksim

Daily humor thread

By Maksim, in General Discussion

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Scorpio64    5,154

Scorpio64
Posted

Found posted on a tree at a national park

 

NOTICE TO HIKERS, HUNTERS AND ALL
WHO FREQUENT THE FOREST


Due to the frequency of human – bear encounters it is advised that all persons wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that may be close by so you don’t take them by surprise. It is also advised to carry “Pepper Spray” in case of an encounter with a bear.

Always be alert for fresh bear activity and be able to tell the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear feces. Black bear feces contain lots of berry seeds and may have rodent fur in it. Grizzly feces have bells in it and smells like pepper.
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Scorpio64    5,154

Scorpio64
Posted

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father thought about his son's request and told him that he'd consider offering him a deal, "Son, you bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about you using the car."

The boy thought about his father's offer and decided he'd take the deal, so they agreed. After about six weeks of observing the changes in his son's behavior the father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed that you still haven't cut your hair"; to which the son replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about our deal, and I've learned from my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and that even Jesus probably had long hair so I don't think cutting my hair should be part of our deal". His father then replied, "Well son, did you not also learn from your Bible studies that these men walked everywhere they went?"

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Downtownv    1,777

Downtownv
Posted

This is better than "Who's on first" because it's not only complicated, it's a fact.  
 
COSTELLO :  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
  
ABBOTT : Good Subject.  Terrible Times.  It's 5.6%.
 
COSTELLO :  That many people are out of work?


ABBOTT : No, that's 23%.


COSTELLO : You just said 5.6%.


ABBOTT :  5.6% Unemployed.


COSTELLO :  Right 5.6% out of work.


ABBOTT : No, that's 23%.


COSTELLO : Okay, so it's  23% unemployed.


ABBOTT : No, that's 5.6%.


COSTELLO :  WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?


ABBOTT : 5.6% are unemployed.  23% are out of work.


COSTELLO : If you are out of work you are unemployed.


ABBOTT :  No, Obama said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.


COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!


ABBOTT : No, you miss his point.


COSTELLO :  What point?


ABBOTT :  Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work.  It wouldn't be fair. 


COSTELLO: To whom?


ABBOTT : The unemployed.


COSTELLO : But ALL of them are out of work.


ABBOTT : No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. 


COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?


ABBOTT : Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!


COSTELLO : The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?


ABBOTT : Absolutely it goes  down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.


COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?


ABBOTT : Two ways is correct.


COSTELLO : Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?


ABBOTT : Correct.


COSTELLO : And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?


ABBOTT : Bingo.


COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work?


ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.


COSTELLO:  I don't even know what the hell I just said!


ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Biden.

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Downtownv    1,777

Downtownv
Posted
An oldie but goodie

flat,1000x1000,075,f.jpg

       

 

THE UMBRELLA LADY - A TOUCHING STORY      

 

 

On a rainy afternoon in New York City, a group of protesters were gathered

outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the   “evils”     of America.

 

I politely declined to take one.      

 

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester

offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.      

 

The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq or our black children in America?"    

 

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France

during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. 

 

All three died so a naïve, privileged, ignorant, self-centred white bimbo like you would

have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. 

 

If you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it."

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