Daily humor thread

[Zeke 5,504]

7 hours ago, silverado427 said:

Ok! That's funny!

[silverado427 10,675]

[Krdshrk 3,877]

"3rd party hosting usage" overload.  lol.  stop using shitty photobucket...

[fatty 241]

what's a better substitute for photobucket?

feels like that site will crash my laptop one day

[Krdshrk 3,877]

15 minutes ago, fatty said:

what's a better substitute for photobucket?

feels like that site will crash my laptop one day

I use Imgur.com exclusively now.

[fatty 241]

awesome will definitely check that out.  thanks nick

[SmittyMHS 603]

A wild eyed woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waved a pistol and yelled out, I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.  I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?� 

 

 A female voice from the back of the room called out,

 "You Need More Ammo Hillary"

[silverado427 10,675]

[SmittyMHS 603]

Redneck Mini-Blinds …   This one is new to me and oh so practical…..  who would have thought?

 

             Redneck Mini-Blinds …

 

No need to clean or dust -- just tear off and flush.

And you can buy them in several colors and ‘textures'

[SmittyMHS 603]

Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him,

 "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?

 One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.

 Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease.

Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

 Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

 When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

 The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

> 

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Hillary.

[Shawnmoore81 623]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[High Exposure 5,661]

[jackandjill 683]

On 7/6/2017 at 7:38 PM, SmittyMHS said:

....

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Hillary.

Now I know how Election Polls work :-)

[Zeke 5,504]

1 hour ago, High Exposure said:

Ok! That's funny 

[SmittyMHS 603]

 

 

 

A MALE FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,

 

"Will you marry me?"

 

The Princess immediately said, "No!"

 

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and

rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged,

full-breasted women, and hunted and fished
and
raced cars, and went to titty bars and

dated ladies half his age
and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and

never heard bitching
and
never paid child support or alimony, and  dated cheerleaders and 

kept his house and guns, and ate spam and

potato chips and beans, and 
blew enormous farts, and

never got cheated on while he was at work,
and
all his friends and family thought

he was friggin' cool as hell,
and
he had tons of money in the bank, and

left the toilet seat up.

The End.

**********

 

 

 

[capt14k 2,052]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don't get it.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

[T Bill 649]

Choose the tab for selling a kidney

[capt14k 2,052]

Choose the tab for selling a kidney

Oh couldn't figure out what the heck that was. Kidney that's funny. Thank you.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

[silverado427 10,675]

My Doctor asked how many drinks I have each week.

I said I'm an alcoholic not a mathematician.     

[Krdshrk 3,877]

1 hour ago, silverado427 said:

My Doctor asked how many drinks I have each week.

I said I'm an alcoholic not a mathematician.     

 

People say I've got a drinkin problem... but I've got no problem drinking at all

[silverado427 10,675]

1 hour ago, Krdshrk said:

People say I've got a drinkin problem... but I've got no problem drinking at all

Good song.

[silverado427 10,675]

LMAO 

 

[SmittyMHS 603]

Too bad I’m going to miss this….NOT!!!!

Ticket Required

PLEASE NOT DATE CORRECTION THE CLINTON BOOK SHOP IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE A VERY SPECIAL EVENING WITH  THE HONORABLE AL FRANKEN United States Senator Saturday, July 29th.  7:00 PM Ticket Required: Keep Reading For Registration instructions     This is a ticketed event and you must register by calling the Clinton Book Shop at 908-735-8811. The cost of the ticket is the price of the book.  Please do not leave a voice mail Registration.   ABOUT THE BOOK   This is a book about an unlikely campaign that had an even more improbable ending: the closest outcome in history and an unprecedented eight-month recount saga, which is pretty funny in retrospect.   It's a book about what happens when the nation's foremost progressive satirist gets a chance to serve in the United States Senate and, defying the low expectations of the pundit class, actually turns out to be good at it. It's a book about our deeply polarized, frequently depressing, occasionally inspiring political culture, written from inside the belly of the beast. In this candid personal memoir, the honorable gentleman from Minnesota takes his army of loyal fans along with him from Saturday Night Live to the campaign trail, inside the halls of Congress, and behind the scenes of some of the most dramatic and/or hilarious moments of his new career in politics.   Has Al Franken become a true Giant of the Senate? Franken asks readers to decide for themselves.

Clinton Book Shop | 12 East Main Street, Clinton, NJ 08809 Unsubscribe [email protected] Update Profile | About our service provider Sent by [email protected] in collaboration with   Try it free today

 

[T Bill 649]

United States Senator is the funniest statement there. He's an ........

Cannot believe the people of MN elected this joke.  Never funny.

Here is another joke............."Breakfast with Al"  on our taxpayer dime,

Quote

 

All Minnesotans who are visiting Washington, D.C. are welcome to come and join my staff and me for breakfast in my office. Wednesday morning breakfasts are one of my favorite parts of the week because I get to meet and speak with the people I'm lucky enough to work for. And of course, we get to take pictures too.

We serve real Mahnomin porridge made with wild rice that we bring in from White Earth Reservation. It's a native Minnesota dish that was first created by the voyageurs. The wild rice is cooked with cream, berries, and nuts. It's become a big hit here in the office; our guests like it so much they keep asking for the recipe. I would like to add a special thank you to Mitch Omer and his staff at Hell's Kitchen in Minneapolis for allowing us to use their Mahnomin Porridge recipe, which you can find below.

Breakfasts take place every Wednesday morning that the Senate is in session from 8:45-9:45am eastern in the Hart Senate Office Building, Room 309. We have a lot of visitors during the spring and summer months, leading to longer lines to enter the building. We recommend that you budget extra time when planning your travel to our office.

Please sign up so we know how much Mahnomin porridge to make.

 

If they re-elect him I'm telling Trump to sell the state to Canada, they'll be more at home up there.

[louu 399]

Back on track 

 

[louu 399]

 

[silverado427 10,675]

Lone Wolf McQuade

[Ray Ray 3,566]

23 hours ago, louu said:

 

Funniest thing I have seen in a long time.  Wow

[SmittyMHS 603]

[SmittyMHS 603]

Alan texted his next door neighbor, Fred .

 ALAN'S TEXT:

 Hi Fred, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make

 I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

 The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact, probably more than you. I haven't been able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again

 Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

 Regards, Alan.

 FRED'S RESPONSE:

 Fred, feeling betrayed and furious, dropped his iPhone, grabbed his gun, burst through his neighbor's front door and without saying a word shot Alan dead. He returned home  where he poured himself a stiff drink, sat down on the sofa, picked up his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

ALAN'S SECOND MESSAGE:

 Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

 I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife.'

 

Technology, huh ? !