Jump to content
Maksim

Daily humor thread

Recommended Posts

Two Ronald Reagan / Russian jokes I came across that I never heard before.

A man stands in the line to buy a car. He plunks down the money for his new car. The person in charge says, “Come back in ten years to pick up your car.” The buyer says, “Morning or afternoon?” “Does it really matter?” says the person in charge. “Yes — the plumber’s scheduled to come in the morning.”

One morning, Leonid Brezhnev walks onto his balcony and says, “Good morning, sun!” The sun says, “Good morning, Comrade Brezhnev, General-Secretary of the Communist Party of the Glorious Soviet Union!” After lunch, Brezhnev goes out onto his balcony again and says, “Good afternoon, sun!” The sun replies, “Good afternoon, Comrade Brezhnev, General-Secretary of the Communist Party of the Great, Historic Soviet Union!” Later, as the sun is setting, Brezhnev says, “Good evening, sun!” The sun says, “F*** you, Leonid. I’m in the West now.”

  • Haha 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I made a snowman...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 am: A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snowwoman.

8:15 am: So, I made a snowwoman.

8:17 am: My feminist neighbor complained about the snowwoman's voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snowwomen everywhere.

8:20 am: The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 am: My transgender friend passed by and asked why I didn't just make one snowperson with detachable parts.

8:25 am: The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 am: I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 am: The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 am: The police arrive, saying someone has been offended.

8:42 am: The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snowwoman needs to be removed, because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 am: The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 am: My local TV news crew from the ABC showed up, asking me if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen. I replied, "Snowballs." Now I’m called a sexist.

9:00 am: I'm on the morning news, being described as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 am: I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 am: Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding I be charged by the Anti-Everything Commissioner and then beheaded.

So, how's your morning been?

  • Haha 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Every week, I enter the state lottery hoping to win; I never did.
 
Finally, I prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, as I walked around the State Fair.
 
A flash of lightning struck as I was passing by Nadine's carnival stall.
 
She was bending over and I saw she was not wearing panties.  I could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.
 
I bet on 77, as I thought God had given me a sign.
 
Sadly, I lost again.
 
The winning number was 707.
 
Moral of the story : Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
  • Haha 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, I can see cut and paste is the new (lazy) way for humor and jokes. So here is one of my old cop jokes from many moons ago.

There is this bar that one particular officer stays in hiding outside every night around closing.
His mission: To arrest the first disorderly drunk before he can drive away.
So like any night, he awaits his unsuspected victim. 

Out strolls this unsuspected soul. Stumbling down the stairs, drops his keys and fumbles to pick them up several times, trips and falls head over heals... He finally gets into his car and just as he starts it, the officers says, "Stay right there and put your hands on the steering wheel.." The officer shines his flashlight around and asks the fellow  to get out of his car and as doing so, asks what has he done? The officer says, "I'm guessing your are drunk as a skunk and if you are, I will tow your car and arrest you".
He exclaimed that he was in no way drunk.

Officer says, "OK, time for some sobriety tests". I want you to walk that white line. He does so and he walks it perfect. He then asks him to balance himself on one foot. He does so without moving an inch. The officer is scratching his head. The fellow said, "I told you I am not drunk". Officer says, "BS, you must be. I just watched you take multiple falls, drop your keys, etc. So one more test".

He whips out his ACME XXX Breath Analyzer. The guy blows a perfect 0.0 on the meter. Now the cop is frustrated and very confused. He said, "I just don't get it. How can you not be drunk"? The fellow said, "I've been telling you that". In the mean time, the bar has emptied and they were the last 2 standing there. The fellow said, "tonight, it was my turn". Officer said, '"turn for what"?

"TO BE THE DESIGNATED DECOY"!!! 

:yahoo:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.



  • Supporting Vendors

  • Latest Topics

  • Similar Content

    • By njJoniGuy
      Longtime resident Lady Liberty, age 236 was struck by a stolen Chevy Volt last night along the interstate. The driver and passengers, illegally in the US from their native countries across the world, then dragged Ms. Liberty into the woods and brutally sodomized her before heading to the local polling place where they registered using the names of Supreme Court justices and voted without being challenged by UN poll watchers.
       
      Authorities found them around the corner, each with a large supply of newly legalized recreational marijuana, getting high. They were taken into custody and released a short time later with a kiss on each cheek and a prepaid gift card for WaWa to handle the munchies.
       
      Ms. Liberty is in extremely critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit, and doctors are very wary of her chances of recovery. A crowd of zombie-like citizens are already gathered at the Liberty residence, preparing to loot it of valuables when she succumbs to her injuries or the Death Panel declares her worthless and pulls the plug.
    • By DBCooper
      These guys know how to party...
       
      http://www.liveleak....=3c6_1347955567
    • By Maksim
      Why not an offshoot...
       
      Been meaning to start thread a few days ago, after dry firing, I was trying to copy a link from youtube to chat....
       
       
      You know you play too many gun games (uspsa/idpa) when you...
      ...double tap the Control + C twice before pasting the link.
    • By njJoniGuy
      Cross posted from the nationalmatch site
      Enjoy!
       
    • By njJoniGuy
      http://www.strategyp...01123142956.asp
       
      with link to their overall humor section
      such as:
       
      and
       
       
      Enjoy!
  • Posts

    • ^^^^ this But they aren't putting this one back in...too many people amp'd too quickly, too much 'chatter'.....this one may different.  
    • posted January 22, 2020 10:52 PM Morris' wife Rachel came home early and found Morris in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Rachel was upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a Get (Jewish divorce) right away!" Morris replied, "Hang on just a minute Rachel so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed,"but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And Morris began -- "Vell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she vas very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. "She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the potato latkes I made for you last night, the food you vouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on veight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. "Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. "Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that I gave you a few years ago, but won't wear, because you say it’s too tight. I also gave her the sexy underwear that vas your anniversary present, which you don't wear because you said I have lousy taste. "I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear, just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair." Morris took a quick breath and continued - "She vas so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, mister, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"     (stolen)
    • The Senate Law and Public Safety (LPS) Committee has a meeting scheduled for later today (Thursday 1/23) Currently, nothing is listed on the agenda The Assembly LPS Committee has a meeting scheduled for Monday 1/27 There are 4 bills on the agenda right now, none 2A related These agendas of these committees are ultimately controlled by the Speaker of the Assembly and the President of the Senate This is where the bad sh!t will start at the behest of Gov Gopher and the Swarmi  
    • The pot continues to heat up in VA But the frogs know what is happening I expect bloodshed is coming
×
×
  • Create New...