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Transcript of White House Phone Call to Chinese President Xi Jinping
(Transcript Begins)

Trump: Hello Ping? Its Donald, how are you?

Jinping: We are fine, Mr. President, and you?

Trump: Well, I gotta tell you, Ping… that Wu-Kung-Flu disease is a real pain in my ass…not good Ping, not good at all.

Jinping: My name is Xi, Mr President, Xi Jinping…now, how may we discuss this to our mutual benefit?

Trump: Listen Zing, we need to come to an agreement…

Jinping: Mr. President, you insult my…

Trump: Cuz I gotta tell ya….not liking it Ding…not liking it at all…we had this beautiful deal with you, what happened?…you were finally going to stop ripping off our Patents, our Intellectual Property…maybe buy some American Farm Products… and now you bring us THIS?….

Jinping: Mr. President, are you accusing us of…

Trump: This Who-Flung-Poo or whatever the hell it is…its disgusting…what the hell are you people doing over there?

Jinping: I assure you, Mr. President, we…

Trump: Its Crazy… you people eat anything with legs except furniture…Goat Eyeballs and God knows what else is in those filthy market stalls…Its crazy…and dogs…you eat dogs?

Jinping: Mr. Trump, you cannot…

Trump: I don’t know why you dont eat Cheese Burgers like regular people, but whatever the heck you did…raping monkeys….eating bats…I don’t know but its horrible…its…

Jinping: Mr Trump, I will not allow..

Trump: …and now everyone is sick…the whole world's getting sick…and thank God I’m so smart I saw this whole thing like coming a mile away and shut down all the travel, you know, to that …that place…

Jinping: WE are not responsible for…

Trump: That Hunan… Mulan?... I don’t know I never really cared for the Disney Franchise myself, but anyway… its bad Chang,…its really bad….

Jinping: Sir, you shall address me as…

Trump: So heres what I’m saying Pikachu…that Virus of yours has cost my people a ton of money…boat loads of money…way more that that pallet load of cash Obama sent over to your buddies in Iran…way, way more than that, and…Oh, and I killed that guy over there….you saw that right?

Jinping: Mr President, are you threatening…

Trump: Oh, it was a beautiful thing...Had to do it…and they hated me for it, the press….oh my God the Fake news, it was unbelievable Chang… but anyway, about this deal…

Jinping: I will not to negotiate…

Trump: …and how much your country owes us for the whole Virus thing…its killing us, Pang, the Economic Damage is incredible… but we’re so much better off than Europe, oh my God those idiots, what were they thinking?…but anyway, here’s where we’re at…

Jinping: Mr. President, I will not discuss…

Donald Trump: Its costing us Trillions, Ding, …Trillions and Trillions of Dollars, and its all your fault…And we were nice to you… gave you Most Favored Nation Status years ago… We put you in the World Trade Organization, we gave you access to our Markets, and for what?... I mean, especially after you Whacked all those Protesters in Tioga Spring Square or whatever… but that wasn’t me, I didn’t make that deal because I’ll tell you Ling, if it was up to me, I never would have…

Jinping: How dare you speak to me like…

Trump: …And with the whole Hong Kong thing, and the Virus…whats next? Godzilla climbing up the Empire State Building!?... you know what I mean? …We cant have that Chang….The American People cant have that…

Jinping: I will not allow you to speak to me with such…

Trump: So what I’m saying Wang, is…its over…..its over, OK?… its time to go our separate ways…We’re even, OK?...We’re even…you got that?

Jinping: What do you mean, “even”?

Trump: I mean Even-Steven, Chopsticks….That big giant pile of United States Debt you’re holding? All those Trillions we owe you? Well, your Foo-Fang Disease has cost us way more than that already, OK?…WAY more, you understand?….So as far as I’m concerned we’re even, OK?..... No Tickie, no Shirtie…Even… Gone, Done, Buh-bye, OK? …We don’t owe you a dime anymore, Capiche’?

Jinping: This is the most outrageous…

Trump: Because if not, I’m sending you A BILL, OK, you go that?.... A BILL, a Bill for what YOU owe us to treat that Dirty STD you just gave to the whole Planet OK?...Because you know the U.S. is going to get stuck paying for that right?....so please, just be thankful I’m letting you off the hook by declaring our National Debt PAID IN FULL …You can kiss my ass, you and that little Rocket Guy, your buddy Kim Fondue…he was so desperate to see Mara Largo the little twerp…and I was nice to him too, I don’t know why, but from now on you can both kiss my ass, OK?...I was so nice you and this is the thanks I get…some Bat-F*ck Venereal Disease from The Land Of China…. I’m telling you its insane, and we wont tolerate it any more, Ping

Jinping: Mr. President, this is an Act of…

Trump: So anyway….my people will get ahold of your people…and we’ll get some paperwork signed…in the mean time don’t bother with any ships heading this way…. our Walmarts are closed, and the Dollar Stores…my God the Dollar Stores…who even shops at a Dollar Store?…Its embarrassing, Wang, aren’t you embarrassed?....all you people do is produce this Worthless Junk that we practically give away for FREE, and we have to have your Bat-Sh*t-Flu on top of it? ...Its sad….Its very sad thing…

Jinping: God Damn you…

Trump: Not happening, Chang baby…not happening any more….we can make all the Beautiful Things we need right here in our own backyard… its gonna be Yuge I’m telling you, YUGE…Bigger than that Great Wall you have…and by the way I’m building one myself, have you seen it, its gorgeous, so much more sophisticated, its amazing, I’m telling you its unbelievable....

Jinping: (sounds of breaking glass, toppling furniture)

Trump: So thank you, Jing…thanks for your cooperation….I’m very happy we’re able to reach a deal that works out for both of our countries, OK?….Say hello to Mrs. Ping, tell her Melania sends her regards OK? … Thanks Chang,
OK?...Good…Great.. buh-bye
(End of Transcript)  
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