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Maksim

Daily humor thread

By Maksim, in General Discussion

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Scorpio64    5,154

Scorpio64
Posted

SHELTERING AT HOME - THE FIRST MONTH


Day 1 - I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8:00 pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.
I have No clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides.
I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

Day 16 - Realization: Half of us are going to come out of this as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

Day 17 - Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

Day 18 - Observation: I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

Day 19 - I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Day 20 - Every few days I try my jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Day 21 - Homeschooling isn't going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

Day 22 - I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

Day 23 - This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

Day 24 - So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

Day 25 -My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 26 - Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

Day 27 - I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardo. I'm getting tired of Los Living Room.

Day 28 - Placed Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 29 - Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... Hurtful.

Day 30 - I am out of food and am ready to enter the grocery store. How am I doing?

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45Doll    5,877

45Doll
Posted

From an anonymous UPS delivery driver... 5 types of customers since the “rona”:

1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.

2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.

May God have mercy on us all.  

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