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Maksim

Daily humor thread

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Borrowed from the Humor section of the High Power board:

 

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

 

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

 

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

 

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

 

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

 

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

 

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

 

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

 

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

 

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

 

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

 

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

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JOB NOTICE

Are you angry at your government? Are you fed up with taxes? Do you feel your country has turned away from the path of God? Would you like to make a big impression (at least 100-foot radius)?

A coalition of media groups, entertainment celebrities and Democrat Party politicians urgently seeks conservative white male with knowledge of firearms and explosives for important PR-related position.

The qualified candidate must be white (no exceptions) and male (preferably heterosexual orientation, though a transgender candidate who looks scary enough will be considered). Ability to appear unusually “macho” a plus.

The candidate should have demonstrable conservative credentials. The review board will favor those with a military background or Tea Party/NRA membership. A history of defending conservatism or attacking socialism/Marxism on Facebook, Twitter or other social media is a definite plus. An applicant who was or is in Boy Scouts will also have an advantage, particularly if you have a history of opposition to homosexuals and Atheists. Any applicant who has publicly questioned President Obama’s birth certificate or Social Security number will go to the front of the line.

Religion is important to the successful filling of this position. The chosen candidate will most likely be a Bible-believing Christian, though Orthodox Jewish candidates will be considered. History of vacationing in Israel highly desirable. Absolutely no Muslims, Atheists, Wiccans, Satanists or other non-biblical religions found on those cheesy “coexist” bumper stickers.

It will be the responsibility of the winning applicant to help boost the credibility of the coalition’s various members with the American public following recent … unfortunate predictions regarding the identity of the Boston Marathon bombers proved to be somewhat inaccurate.

The candidate will help restore the public’s faith in the coalition’s member groups by preparing a public presentation whose purpose will be to convince Americans of the coalition’s well-known position that conservatism is a danger to the country. Candidate should be able to create a presentation that will end with a bang, and really bowl over audience members and hopefully blow their minds.

This is a contract position, not long-term employment, and there is no health care or other benefits offered. Body bag and yellow tape will be supplied gratis. Payment of a bazillion simolians will be made promptly upon successful completion of presentation. All you have to do is collect it.

Send applications to Chris Matthews at MSNBC, Director Michael Moore at Der Wienerschnitzel, Ben Smith at BuzzFeed or any editor at dozens of media outlets, Hollywood studio head, member of Congress or presidential spokesman. Good luck.

 

Read more: http://godfatherpoli.../#ixzz2RD3MvAXn

 

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

 

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

 

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

 

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

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