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Maksim

Daily humor thread

By Maksim, in General Discussion

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notmetoo    41

notmetoo
Posted

Aviation Quotes........

 

1. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. - Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca"

 

2. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. - Layton A. Bennett



3. Never fly the 'A' model of anything. - Ed Thompson

 

4. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible. - Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.

 

5. The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. - Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

 

6. A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. - Jon McBride, astronaut

 

7. If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover

 

8. If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; Ride the bastard down. - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'



9. Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing. - Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena



10. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F. Crickmore



11. Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. - Richard Herman, Jr., 'Firebreak'

 

12. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970. (It was still there in 1972.)



13.The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Author Unknown

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JSF01    13

JSF01
Posted

Some one posted this on Facebook, Sadly I believe it probably was a true event.

 

(I own and operate a small ranch in Virginia. We sell all natural grass fed beef, all natural pork, and free range chickens. We also sell cheeses, eggs, and also have a few goats for milk and cheese, etc. A customer calls up wanting information about our operation.)

Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. This is [My Name], What can I do for you today?”

Caller: “Yes, are your cows vegetarian?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they are. We only feed them grass and hay. Hay is a type of grass so, yes, they eat no meat products at all. We use no antibiotics or hormones—”

Caller: “NO, NO, NO! Are your cows vegetarian!?”

Me: “Ma’am, I do not understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “You farm people are all dumb! My daughter and her friends do not eat meat! They are vegan and we want to have steak for dinner! So now I’m going to ask you: are you cows vegetarian?”

Me: “Are you asking me if my steaks are not made from meat?”

Caller: “No, I know steak is made from meat! I want to know if your cows are vegetarian?!”

Me: “Ma’am, all cows are meat. Everything we take off them during butchering is meat. I am not sure, are you asking me for meat that isn’t meat?”

Caller: “Well, your advertising on your website says you are all natural. That is false advertising!”

Me: “I am not sure how. We keep our cows free from additives and—”

Caller: “Look, I’m not stupid. Before you turn cows into beef, what are they?”

Me: “Cows.”

Caller: “Exactly. So why can’t I get all natural cow instead of beef?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t sell you a live cow. I think you need to find another place to get your meat.”

Caller: “I will not be talked to like this! I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “You are talking to the owner. I am sorry you think that an animal is not meat until after it dies, but I will not sell you a live cow to eat! I am also sorry you are too stupid to understand that this is a cattle ranch and we sell our own beef. Beef is meat, meat is not vegan. Please call another company that specializes in vegan food!”

(I hang up on her. Two weeks go by and she calls me back.)

Caller: “I talked to you a couple weeks ago and I just want to let you know that we bought steak from the farmer’s market at (location). We had a wonderful dinner!”

Me: “Oh, you were at the farmer’s market at [location]?”

Caller: “Yes, and the woman there sold us vegetarian cow! You know, cow for vegans! My daughter said she and her friends always eat steak from the woman that sells cow there.”

Me: “So your daughter is vegan, huh?”

Caller: “Well, yeah. She won’t eat chicken!”

(I gave up and I told her I would look into selling vegetarian ‘COW.’ I did not have the heart to tell her that she bought my meat. I am the only one allowed to sell at that particular market and my neighbor’s daughter works for me selling at that location. I also didn’t bother to go into her daughter not being vegan!)

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ogfarmer    138

ogfarmer
Posted

Sounds like the women who joined my farm's CSA. When she came early to pick up her weekly produce for the first time I told her " Sorry some things are kinda muddy as they are field washed and she'd have to clean them when she got home.

She freaked out.... OH my God NO! What do you mean they were grown and touched the dirt? This is unacceptable! I can't serve my friends any thing that came out of the ground and touched dirt, I am so embarrassed.

 

I stood their shocked and said well all plants pretty much grow in the ground. I then asked her where she thought her produce came from, She then began to tell me.... the supermarket. I then asked her where do you think they came from before that, She answered..... A factory of course.

I offered to clean her stuff extra and pack it up nice like she bought it in a store. She was so flustered and shocked the whole time that plants actually grew in dirt. She declined my offer and asked for a full refund of her seasons payment. I thought about denying her request but just felt sorry for her so I told her I would mail her a check.

After she got back in her car I turned around and looked at the other members and they all were standing their with their jaws dropped and couldn't believe what they just heard.

I find it just sad the disconnect we have with where our food comes from.

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JSF01    13

JSF01
Posted

Are we sure they actually procreate and vote, because I am not sure they could figure out how? To be honest I almost wish there was actually a secret evil organization purposely making people dumb to control them like in a 1000 different conspiracy theories. At least than people would have an excuse on why they are so stupid. 

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JSF01    13

JSF01
Posted

I'm drunk, and I spotted this :)  Irony at its best.

 

Ehhh... Spelling has been scientifically proven not to be that important as long as it is close. When reading your brain will actually interpreted what you are reading faster than it processes the actual written word that you are reading.

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JSF01    13

JSF01
Posted

Oh I know, I was just being a smart ass about it. (I jokingly get shit all the time about my hand writing/spelling so my standard response  a jokingly smart ass comment back) It's just a cool fact I learned about a month ago, so I figured others might find it interesting. It's kind of funny but I realized I personally did that years ago, when I read a series of books and I the entire time I thought one of the characters names was Matrix when it was something like Mirtrax or something like that. I just never expected that was how most people read.

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checko    180

checko
Posted

<div id="fb-root"></div> <script>(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk'));</script>

<div class="fb-post" data-href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152128752907730" data-width="466"><div class="fb-xfbml-parse-ignore"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152128752907730">Post</a> by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/AmericanStrong">AMERICAN - STRONG!</a></div></div>

Whaaaa

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