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Maksim

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THE GLOBAL RECESSION

 

 

The recession has hit everybody really hard. 

 

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 

 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 

 

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. 

 

I saw a Mormon with only one wife. 

 

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 

 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. 

 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America . 

 

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 

 

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! 

 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . 

 

A picture is now only worth 200 words. 

 

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. 

 

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. 

 

And, finally... 

 

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round mag plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife". A voice from the back of the room called out, You need more ammo! 

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My Dilemma ? 

 

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but…   I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a  racist.   I am a fiscal  and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.    I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.   I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.   I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.   I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.   I am old and retired, which makes me a useless old man.   I think and I reason,  therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me,  which must make me a reactionary.    I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.   I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.   I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.   I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.   I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens,  which now makes me a militant.       Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore!   I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!
Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!   As if all this stuff wasn’t enough to deal with…I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!        
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