New Fathers? (Or advice for those to be)

[phoenix_iii 0]

Hi NJGF,

 

My wife and I are looking to buy our first home, and shortly there after start a family. I am apprehensive/nervous/concerned about bringing another human being into the world (what kind of world will it be, I want them to continue to make it a better place like I have, etc), being that I am the planner/preparer/protector/financier of the family. The cold, logical, processing robot, where she is the loving, emotional butterfly/awesomeness that brings some sunlight into my otherwise robotic and autonomous life.

 

Anyway, is there anything I should be preparing for (sleepless nights, scheduling xyz, etc) ahead of time, or when buying a house, make sure it has 1/2/3? Looking at expensive areas (great schools, safe neighborhoods with low traffic, other kids, etc).

 

The only odd thing, is I have been having a strong urge to buy additional ammunition, when I don't even use what I have, and I have a considerable amount as is... My wife is 'nesting', or trying to, so maybe this is the male way of making sure one can protect their family?

 

Thoughts? Happy Friday.

[BlueLineFish 615]

Houses and kids are unpredictable and there is no planning for either. Expect whatever plan you have to change constantly...especially with the child. I am a relatively new homeowner and father so I can tell you from experience. With the house expect more to be needed than you thought and with the kid expect nothing to stay the same for too long. Every kid is different and take other people advice as advice and not law. What works for other kids may not work with yours. Oh and definitely expect sleepless nights

[woodentoe 14]

Since it is a buyers market (as opposed to when I bought in 06), you're likely to get in at a pretty good price. If past is prologue, you're not likely to stay in your first house more than 10 years. So unless you already have kids, I would be less worried about schools and more concerned with resale value so u can upsize down the road. Besides, school quality is pretty good across the board up until middle school. Then it begins to show cracks town to town. If your wife works, dont underestimate the cost of day care. My three go PART TIME and I drop 1500 a month just on day care. Food for thought. If I knew the housing market would take a dump, I would prolly have moved to Elmora in Elizabeth and gotten free pre school like the rest of the parasites.

 

Try not to worry too much because you're going to be stressed out no matter what. As far as fatherhood? It's great but I've only been doing it for five years. I've lived a very pedestrian life. I went to college, work in an office, and I've never seen combat. Being a father is the hardest thing I've ever had to do well. For some guys, I think it can be a breeze. But for Joe schmoe...it's a big f'n deal.

 

Have fun!

[deadeye74 5]

Hi NJGF,

 

My wife and I are looking to buy our first home, and shortly there after start a family. I am apprehensive/nervous/concerned about bringing another human being into the world (what kind of world will it be, I want them to continue to make it a better place like I have, etc), being that I am the planner/preparer/protector/financier of the family. The cold, logical, processing robot, where she is the loving, emotional butterfly/awesomeness that brings some sunlight into my otherwise robotic and autonomous life.

 

Anyway, is there anything I should be preparing for (sleepless nights, scheduling xyz, etc) ahead of time, or when buying a house, make sure it has 1/2/3? Looking at expensive areas (great schools, safe neighborhoods with low traffic, other kids, etc).

 

The only odd thing, is I have been having a strong urge to buy additional ammunition, when I don't even use what I have, and I have a considerable amount as is... My wife is 'nesting', or trying to, so maybe this is the male way of making sure one can protect their family?

 

Thoughts? Happy Friday.

 

6 years ago I purchased my first home and at the same time my daughter was being born. I still look back at the whole thing as a mega miracle that I survived! Lol

 

That being said, my advice to you is first get all your pre qualification for the mortgage in order. The finance end is half the battle.

 

Make sure you work with a very reputable agent/broker. When you find your potential home, go over it with a fine tooth comb. Remember to ask questions about the age of the appliances, heater, AC, etc, anything that can possibly cost thousands to repair or replace. Get yourself a good home inspector to look over the place before you sign your papers. If the listing agent won't answer your questions or gives you sketchy answers (aka they are BSing you), be suspicious. Remember these people work on commission and will do whatever is possible to sell the home.

 

Once your ready to buy, be prepared to have extra cash available for any last minute things that may arise. Don't forget to budget things like paint and carpet cleaning/replacement. It's easier to take care of that stuff before you move in when there is no furniture to deal with.

 

Lastly, don't be afraid to not spend the max amount your approved for, and remember this is NJ and the property taxes will rape you hard!

 

Good luck!

[phoenix_iii 0]

We are looking into large foreclosed homes... my wife is not into a 'starter' home... and aware of the problems/fun a foreclosed can have.

 

Yes, Daycare costs I've seen, MAN... Going to live near the in-laws that will provide all day care for free... so definitely worth it (even with the crazy taxes... I prefer PA, been there 7 years).

 

 

Thank you for all the replies so far!

[John Fox 5]

I had four kids and they were the best years of my life. I'm married almost 54 years and my grandchildren are grown up. I would be glad to go back in time buying a house and raising the kids.

[Shawnmoore81 623]

nows the time to buy so i would, hell i did last summer. as far as bringing a kid into this world. you cant stop living because something might happen. i have an 18 month old daughter and i dont regret it at all

[e80hydro 120]

Don't send your kids to public school in NJ, and don't let them watch NBC and they should be alright.

[MedicYeti 96]

My son turns 3 at the end of the month. Fatherhood is the greatest thing I have ever done. I know its an old Phrase, but it's true that you will learn a new kind of love when you have a child. You will also learn a new kind of fear, when you realize all the threats that are in the world (internal and external). I have spent time and sleepless nights taking steps to protect my son from all types of dangers. Yes, there will be sleepless nights, but it's for a good reason so it's n

[TheLugNutZ 21]

Well i have a soon to be 5 year old daughter and were closing on our 1st house in about 3 weeks. I can tell you this, PRESCHOOL is EXPENSIVE AS HELL. I moved back to Neptune for the free pre k thats the ONLY reason. We spend much more on rent here but not spending on pre k so its much less out of pocket. You say you have in-laws, but dont you WANT your child to go to pre k once they are old enough? In laws are great in the summer and when they are younger, but trust me, you dont want them at home all the way until kindergarten starts, you want them socialized and used to going to school. My daughter is pretty much reading and writing sentences and hasnt even started kindergarten yet!

 

Word of advice on a baby/child. Get them on and used to a schedule/regimen. Food, nap time, etc. My daughter was sleeping through the night very early. Part of it was luck, but the other part was us managing the situation the right way and getting her used to what was supposed to be done. I am the "planner" myself. I like things laid out ahead of time and that helped a lot. Esp when she was young, but until this day when i pick her up after school/work i usually tell her the plan for the night. "Going home, do what you have to do (she has a list when we 1st walk in, shoes, backpack, wash hands), then we are going to walk the dog, make dinner, and then shower, brush teeth, book then bed". So she knows what to expect when we get home.

 

Also night time. Make everything a routine as well. We always brush teeth 1st, then read a book or two, then sing (the same 3 songs lol) in bed. Thats not to say that there werent times (maybe months at a time) that we couldnt get her to stay in bed at night, but it all comes and goes.

 

Just rambling here, but those are some thoughts...

[mcbethr 42]

Buying a home?

 

Get the PSE&G Worry free plan. For about $35 a month, you can cover all of your appliances (Air Conditioner, heater and so on) from repair bills.

 

When you go house hunting, note where the sun rises and sets. If a common area (such as the kitchen) is hit by direct sunlight, that area could be too hot and uncomfortable to be in during the day. Just note where the sun is and where you are likely to be in the house during the day.

 

Never, under any circumstances buy a house that has a pool. Preferably, find a house next to a neighbor who has a pool.

 

Note how old the water heater is. If its older than 10 years, replace it as soon as you move in. Water heaters are one of those things that people only replace after they break and flood their basement. Better to do it on your terms than on a Saturday night when your basement is flooded and the plumber is charging double time.

 

Always have $10,000 in cash in your bank account and $500 in cash in the house. This will guarantee that just about any emergency repair that comes up can be solved in 4 hours (with the $500 cash) or 1 day (with the bank money).

 

Don't pay extra into your mortgage. If you ever lose your job, and start missing payments, the bank won't care that you payed extra, they will forclose on you anyway. Better to have the money saved as a buffer.

 

For kids:

 

* There is nothing wrong with Diapers and Wipes from Target.

 

* Start clipping coupons.

 

* Get your own diaper bag. There is nothing worse than a man walking around with his wife's frilly diaper bag. You want a diaper bag that looks like you are about to throw it at a bunker filled with Germans. This works well:

 

If you are using formula, put a bottle in the bag with a pre-measured amount of dry formula in there. The pre-measured stuff is good for a week and then you have to throw it out. Carry a bottle of water with you. If you are ever stuck somewhere, pour the water bottle into the formula bottle, shake and you have an instant meal for your baby. The day you get stuck in traffic on 295 and your kid is screaming because he is hungry you will wish you had done this. Trust me.

 

* Start saving for college now, but don't get a TAP-529 plan. The fact is that your kid may not be college material and we've all seen what happens to kids who aren't college material but they go to college anyway because their parents told them to: They end up going to $60,000 per year liberal arts schools, majoring in LGBT 16th Century Studies and then occupying Wall St. when they can't get a job.

 

I got my kids custodial plans and I pay into them every year. When they turn 18, that money is theirs. They can use it to pay for college, or If they don't want to go to college, at least they can use that money for them to start a franchise, buy a house to use as an investment, or buy tools to use in a trade (so they can be a plumber and charge $2000 to fix someone's water heater on a Saturday night).

 

* Remember that no kid ever died from crying. There will be times where you will understand why babies are so cute: it's a self defense mechanism so you don't throw them out the window. When you've had enough, put them in a safe place and walk away. Go have a cigarette, sit in the kitchen and have a beer, watch a little ESPN. You are not a bad parent. They are crying because they are trying to tell you something that they can't articulate. It's really an algorithm:

#1. Are they wet? Yes? Change Diaper. No? Step 2.

#2. Are they hungry? Did they eat recently? No? Feed them. Yes? Burp them. They have gas. Didn't work?

#3. Are they sick? Take their temperature. Are they Hot? Yes? Get them to the Dr. No? See #4.

#4. They are crying just to cry. Try to sooth them, but don't feel bad if you can't.

 

* Childproof everything. Your kids are too precious to lose them to something that could have been prevented with plastic lock.

 

* Nothing is wrong with second hand clothes or Baby furniture, but get a new crib. Cribs today have different safety standards then they did 10 years ago.

 

* Get a new car seat, not a second-hand one. You don't know if the person selling the car seat has been in an accident and the car seat plastic is fatigued.

 

* If you have a girl, don't put her bedroom close to any ledge or anyplace where she could climb out of her room and get outside without you knowing. This may seem insignificant now, but it will be important when she is 16 and hates you.

 

That's about all I can think of right now. Best of luck.

[TheLugNutZ 21]

^ LOL lots more good advice there. My wife breast-fed for a while but then we switched to powdered formula. Good stuff. You dont have to worry about keeping it cold and its easy to mix...

[jokerman 2]

A+++ to Mcbethr! A terrific reply filled with real, practical, genuine, useable advice!

 

As the father of two daughters, 28 and 26, I speak from experience. If you can raise and guide your children while they are yours to raise and guide, and send them out into the world undamaged and enriched by their years with you...that's all you can do. We don't own them...God just lends them to us for a few precious years.

[Dan 177]

New father here of a 1.5 month old girl.

 

Mcbethr's post is most excellent. Much of it is true as I have experienced so far, and the other part of it that I haven't yet appears to be sound advice, great post! I especially like the workflow on how to deal with baby crying, it is what we practice here.

 

Though I do practice paying a few hundred extra into the mortgage. I recommend doing the math , and putting extra in if it doesn't affect the rest of your savings plan (both emergency savings and long term investments for retirement/kids/car, etc). A few hundred extra per month towards the principal can shave years off of a mortgage and save boku bucks that would have gone towards interest.

 

My other advice is when you buy the home, try to plan for some time where you don't have to move right in. Sure it sucks paying for two places at a time, and dealing with bridge loans if needed, etc, but it is well worth it. You can clean and prep the new home before all your crap is jammed into it from the move. Also, take that time to do any upgrades or repairs before you move in. Get all of that out of the way first! Makes moving so much easier. Also plan on getting all indoor house repairs and work done before the baby. You won't want the baby breathing in chemicals and dust from house construction, etc.

 

Also, does your wife want to be a stay at home mom, maybe work part-time? That requires huge planning ahead of time. If she wants to be a stay at home mom, you will become the sole income source, and you will have to be sure to buy a home that you can afford on your income alone (along with all other expenses) as one example. I strongly believe against becoming house-poor. I suggest a modest house in a nice area instead of trying to reach for the barley affordable McMansion. You will have more disposable income for other life experiences, rather than only staring at the walls of your HGTV dreamhome while eating Dinty Moore Beef stew sitting on the floor because all your cash went to your mortgage.

 

From my experience, it's all about prep with having a baby. The more you research and prep ahead of time, the easier it will be.

[this_is_nascar 162]

Hi NJGF,

 

My wife and I are looking to buy our first home, and shortly there after start a family. I am apprehensive/nervous/concerned about bringing another human being into the world (what kind of world will it be, I want them to continue to make it a better place like I have, etc), being that I am the planner/preparer/protector/financier of the family. The cold, logical, processing robot, where she is the loving, emotional butterfly/awesomeness that brings some sunlight into my otherwise robotic and autonomous life.

 

Anyway, is there anything I should be preparing for (sleepless nights, scheduling xyz, etc) ahead of time, or when buying a house, make sure it has 1/2/3? Looking at expensive areas (great schools, safe neighborhoods with low traffic, other kids, etc).

 

The only odd thing, is I have been having a strong urge to buy additional ammunition, when I don't even use what I have, and I have a considerable amount as is... My wife is 'nesting', or trying to, so maybe this is the male way of making sure one can protect their family?

 

Thoughts? Happy Friday.

 

 

 

Being a husband, father and homeowner with no mortgage, the only advise I will offer you is this. LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS and don't buy a house you really can't afford. Whatever the mortgage company tells you that you can afford, buy something that's much less than that. If they say you can swing a $300k house/mortgage, buy something that's $175k-$200k.

[TheLugNutZ 21]

oh and read some parenting books. they are def a help

[keithco88 3]

www.neighborhoodscout.com is a neat tool to help you find nice areas if you're not wholly familiar with where you're looking

 

past that what everybody else said is a good intro

 

it'll change your life man...congrats & good luck!

[GeorgeHM 5]

As a father of 2 girls, I can say most of the advice given so far is great.

 

Now my experience in this subject.

 

On the home front, pick an area that both you and the wife want to live in.

School change way to much to decide that now.

If you plan on having kids after buying the home. Can you afford to pay the bills if the wife is out of work raising the kids?

 

On children. No matter how well you plan they love to change them on you some how some way. Be good at improving and adjusting your plans accordingly.

Remember that punishment is a good thing if it helps raise a good child. Be a parent first you can be their friend when they move out. Also no and got to your room are not dirty words, they will though help keep a kid in line.

 

Child items, Crib mattresses and car seat are the one thing that should be new, my reasoning is for a cleanliness reason. Cribs if they are under 5 years old should be ok, just do a google search or buy new if you don't trust it. On the diaper bag get a good used back pack that way it can double as a range bag when the kid gets older. Once you know there is a kid on the way. Sign up to every diaper, formula, toy maker, and gear maker for free stuff and some great coupons.

 

Other then that good luck in all of your endeavors.

[Krdshrk 3,877]

If it's a girl, make sure you have a shotgun.

[bry@n 195]

I had many sleepless nights and days prior to my daughter being born. I had plenty of help from family and it gave me a whole new respect for my parents that I didn't have prior.

 

My daughter. Changed my life in every possible aspect. My advice is to make the family your priority over everything. I missed many a night working late to financially support the family and missed a lot of quality time that I wish I could get back.

 

The house is the house. When you get in, let the wife. Hangs whatever she wants. I have the basement and the garage in my house. The rest is hers. There will always be stuff to do, don't stress. Family time is always more important than the house bs. Do most of the work yourself if possible and contact for the stuff you you. Any accomplish in a set period of time.

 

Above all else, be frugal. There is always something nickel and dining you when you have kids, house an a wife.

[bry@n 195]

One other thing. When you have a boy, you worry about 1 d1ck. With a girl, you have to worry about. Million d1cks.

 

Jus sayin. Mine is twelve and has 16 year olds checking her out. It's terrible

[TheLugNutZ 21]

Already told my wife, ill be cleaning my guns when my daughter's boyfriends or guy friends are around. Gotta show some of the strength!

[GlockinNJ 0]

First of all, congratulations! You are making some major life changes.

 

I have a house and a couple teenagers.

 

As others have mentioned, having kids will change your life profoundly and raising kids can be unpredictable. You never know when your kid is going to puke or say something really really cute, so have the mop ready, as well as the camera. Parenthood is an amazing, frustrating, humbling, fulfilling experience.

 

My advice is this: As a parent, being a "cold, logical, processing robot" will stress you out. Let it go. Don't worry so much. Don't plan so much. Enjoy things as they come. Children need to be able to explore and discover without being on a leash. And, as a parent, you will see that you will re-discover the world through them. Be open to that and enjoy the ride. It goes fast!

[Smokin .50 1,907]

All great advice here.

 

I'll add this: Put some money into some sort of savings plan that you feel has the right amount of risk vs. reward. Do this for each child, and consider seeking-out the assistance of a CFP who will help you with the details, and don't be afraid to go the 529 route.

 

As far as the Diaper bag goes, Onesies are your friend! Carry plenty of diapers, baby butt wipes, paper towels, a small plastic bag for soiled clothes or a really bad diaper, and juice and water. I went out with a complete change just in-case the worst happened. Especially when the teething starts, cause the #2 changes consistancy! Bring-along some Orajel when the time is right, or perhaps go "old school" and bring one of those airline booze bottles of whiskey. Smear a little of the booze on the kids gums to numb them and you down the rest for "medicinal purposes", lol! It really DOES work!

 

Hugs are the greatest thing in the world, so get all you can. Money is important, but not at the cost of never seeing your kid when they're awake!

 

Enjoy the ride and remember to adapt to overcome any obstacle. Diaper bags can be carried into the Range or Gun Store, so stock-up on .22's before the next increase, lol!

 

Dave

[Sandy 44]

I had four kids and they were the best years of my life. I'm married almost 54 years and my grandchildren are grown up. I would be glad to go back in time buying a house and raising the kids.

 

I'm going to put your post on my fridge . 3 kids 5 and under..sometimes you forget to enjoy it as chaotic as it is

 

All good advice from experienced dads here . The only thing I would add is that having kids tests the relationship. Sometimes you are so sleep deprived , so stressed out over the kid stuff and doing everything right , that you strike out at each other . You say things you don't mean , even if you think you mean them at the time . You have thoughts that are influenced by your lack of sleep and your stress ..not by how you really feel about each other. Acknowledge it , don;t make any relationship decisions during the first 5 years of having kids , and make sure you escape and leave the baby/kids with a trusted sitter often , so you can still have a relationship with your wife besides the role of parents to little X. Very important.

 

Enjoy the ride

[Tactical Turtle 11]

My first child is on the way, and I'm looking into buying a house now..... I'm in almost the same boat. People at work gave me plenty of.advice... Best I think I got was this, start a hobby both you and your child can do, it will make bonding time easier, and plus, in my case would allow me to buy my kid guns that maybe to big for them lol

[O-gre 7]

Listen to everyone but in the end do what feels right. A Costco membership is helpful too.

[dajonga 396]

Father of a 10 and a 5 here. My only real regret is selling the starter house and getting a bigger place in '03. A 3 bedroom ranch is more than enough house for 4. "More room to grow" has quickly filled up with useless shit. Stay small, stay simple and save money. Just because you can afford a bigger mortgage now, does not mean you can in 5 years. I have been laid off twice, in '06 and '10. This mortgage is getting tougher and tougher each year.

 

Thank god that preschool is over and kindergarten is free!

[benboga37 2]

All great advices. Dont fret on the size of the house, just stay within your budget and you'd be ok. Things to consider will be the school system make sure its good and the school your kid will be going to is decent, will you be driving them to school or is there a busing service, is the park close by (kids prefer parks better than a backyard) , is it a quiet neighborhood or busy ( we like busy dunkin donuts 2 blocks away 7-11 at the street corne r, catholic and lutheran churches/schools within the block and many more).

On kids, ahhh they are God's gift to parents. It will come naturally. I didnt even read a single book.Just watch the baby channel while in the hospital and watch the nurses do it. Within a week that you have the baby home, you'll be a pro. Will the wife breastfeed the baby? That will be very good even for just a few months. As long as you have wipes,diapers, formula, bibs, pacifierand a change of clothes and a disposable mat for covering those changing tables inthe men restrooms and of cours a good baby carrier/stroller you' be good to go. I have a 10y/o boy and girls 8&5 and my office is plastered with kids artwork. I love being a dad.

[hd2000fxdl 422]

Another thing to consider is time to commute to work. Being close to family is great and a huge help and can save a lot of coin, but a long commute to work can really take it's toll over time.

 

Oh and sleep, forget about it, you'll get all ya need when your dead so scratch that idea. Things you like to do, well some will stay some will go. A house will take more time than you will originally think, I built new and have been in it for something like 8 years now and I'm still not done with all my projects to get things the way I want them.

 

There are a lot of things mentioned here and some sound great, some sound like they will take away a lot of things you might like doing, but when it's all said and done and you can sit back, say this is all mine, have a great home, healthy family that's doing well, it's all worth it.