AK47 HOME SHOPPING CLUB.

 

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

 

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

 

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this.

 

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.

 

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing.

Then with her left, but nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

 

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked. "You actually asked your neighbor?"

 

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72.

 

Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.

 

The lady says, "Fluctuations. "

 

The Asian man now angry, yells back, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"

You got some good ones Bill!

Chinese "69"

 

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.

 

Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

 

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

 

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say.

 

Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

 

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

 

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."

 

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.........

 

"You want... Beef wif Bwoccori?"

So a guy goes to Japan for a business trip.

 

First night in town he decides to get a prostitute...

 

As he's doing the deed, she's screaming ????, loudly, ????

 

and he thinks that since he's such a stud muffin he she must be really getting into it and cheering with excitement...

 

The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese counterpart, and the Japanese guy gets a hole in one.

 

The man yells ????, ????!!

 

The Japanese guy looks at him and says "What you mean wrong hole?"

Raisin Bread

 

A bakery owner hires an attractive young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong underwear.

 

One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

 

Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread -- on the very top shelf, he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

 

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with a stimulating view, just as he surmised she would.

 

When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

 

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.

 

Thinking quickly, he also orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

 

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

 

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

 

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself.

 

Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer.

 

She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below.

 

She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

 

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

 

"No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quivering."

:liar:

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks the class a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on the following Monday.

 

The fist Friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew the answer, so they all had to go to school on Monday.

 

Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. Again, no one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

 

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday and right before the teacher begins to ask her weekly question...

 

Little Johnny quickly rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to the front of the room where the teacher was standing, and the teacher sarcastically said:

"Okay, who is the comedian with the two black balls?"

 

Little Johnny quickly called out,

"Bill Cosby, See you on Tuesday."

Dear Grim Reaper,

 

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett. Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Charlie Rangel and Barney Frank !!

You got some good ones Bill!

 

Bill is the Man!

Dear Grim Reaper,

 

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite singer Stephen Gately and my favorite actress Farah Fawcett. Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Charlie Rangel and Barney Frank !!

 

and Chris Dodd, John Murtha, Frank Lautenberg

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns> Over Women

#10. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8.If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo!

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

#2. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

And the number one reason a gun is> favored over a woman.... #

1. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.

Little girl & the Cop

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes Sir," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!"

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,

"Yes, he sure did!"

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

A man seeking to join a south Texas sheriffs dept. is

being interviewed.

 

 

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications

all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take

before you can be accepted."

 

 

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says,

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens,

six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six liberal

democrats and a rabbit."

 

 

"Why the rabbit?"

 

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can

you start?"

One morning at school, the teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence.

 

Today's Word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

 

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a Moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

 

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

 

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

 

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johny, it's your turn."

 

This time Little Johny walked to the front of the room, thought for a Moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, just @#$%^&* beautiful..'"

Q: What

As we age, our priorities change ..

 

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

 

So, I tied her up and went to the range.

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men step up and get on.

They sit down and begin to engage in an animated conversation...

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but

Her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

 

At this point the lady just can't take this any more, she speaks up and says;

 

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!"

"In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

 

One of the old men turns around and replies to the lady;

"Hey, coola a down lady"

"Whoa isa talkin Abouta sex?"

 

"I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell

Mississippi"

Doing the Chores

 

Early one morning little johnny comes down stairs for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores.

 

"Not yet," said the little johnny.

 

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does all his chores.

 

Well little johnny is angry now, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken.

 

He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow.

 

Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

 

When johnny is finished he goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

 

"Well" his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week.

 

I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

 

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

 

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen.

 

Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

OK, last one......I promise, I'm having way too much fun doing this.

 

 

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"

 

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

 

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

 

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

 

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

 

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

 

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

 

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

 

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

 

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"

So, I tied her up and went to the range.

 

 

help tiger outrun his wife.

 

http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html