Handyman

What do you guys like for conditioning old leather? I have a few things I want to spruce up, like my old jacket from the greaser days. Leather Milk? Leather Honey? All this crap sounds like breakfast food to me.

Zeke mixed up his Viagra and his iron pills and now his dork points north.

I thought it looked like the thing I used to use before they invented Viagra. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Leave the car in Newark with the keys in it a month or so before the lease is supposed to end. Problem solved. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

All you need is someone to get scared. Then you get that "disorderly persons offense" rear its ugly head.

Move to Pittsburgh. Private jet to Trenton, helicopter to job site. You're welcome.

White yoda?

Pros will put out poison. It will get rid of the mice, but they will die in your walls and stink for a month till the little carcasses dry out. Search your foundatin and find out where they get in. You need to seal every tiny crack. Jam steel wool in any holes you find.

Far as I recall, the A Team never hit a damn thing. They blasted a lot of ammo in the air, though.

I’d shoot it out. Blast a few rounds of .22 down the pipe so it knows you mean business.

I'm not a concrete guy, but I'm not sure concrete loves being super heater either. Go slow.

10-4 on the valves. You'll zap the gasket.

I bet some of those sonofabatching things throw enough heat to melt solder. Do you have a heating pad? Wrap the pipe and crank it up to 11.

What kind of heat gun? Some of those are not good to leave unattended. You might want to let the fire department know so they can be on standby. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

That's probably ok - they told me the same thing when I had my heart vave replaced.

Something in the above sentence leads me to believe you may not have reached the end of your saga. Are they coming back with the correct part?

If I hadn't had most of my friends, I wouldn't have had most of my problems.

Always have to have a plan to deal with a troublesome buyer. Up till now, that has usually meant taking some of the ventilation registers off and throwing a couple frozen chicken breasts down the duct. It's also good if you can get some behind sheetrock somewhere. You can also poop in the toilet tank but we are getting way off topic here.

How do they handle it if you move while payments are in progress? Can you cornhole the incoming homeowner?

Gah! Pick up a couple of these while you re at it - they are in the same aisle:

Only problem is AVB and Zeke are already taken...

This is all too technical, Peel. You just need a big stud to keep you warm.

Only if you eat bacon while you are drinking it.

"White Chocolate Lattes?" Get a hold of yourself man! That's one step away from joining "Moms Demand Action."

Nespresso? Does it come with a skirt? Go to a garage sale and get a cruddy, rusty percolator from the 1970s and put some hair on your chest.