HOW ABOUT A JOKE?

[Redfish62 1]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

 

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,

you dumber than buffalo. It tell me someone stole tent."

[NickySantoro 211]

Little girl & the Cop

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes Sir," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!"

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,

"Yes, he sure did!"

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa... the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Blackfox 1]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The

devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so

Putin writes him a check.

 

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she

is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so

she writes him a check.

 

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

 

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush

got to call the USA so cheaply.

 

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has

gone to hell, so it's a local call

[BRaptor 68]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The

devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so

Putin writes him a check.

 

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she

is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so

she writes him a check.

 

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is

finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

 

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush

got to call the USA so cheaply.

 

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has

gone to hell, so it's a local call

 

Ya see, I thought, since Bush Jr. is the son of the devil, he'd get the family discount! I guess the joke ends differently depending on the teller.

 

 

A man takes a hot air balloon ride and gets lost. The man takes the balloon down low enough to find a local to ask him where he is. Drifting along just above the road, he spots a young man walking.

 

Ballooner: "You, sir, can you please tell me where am I?"

 

Local: "Well, you're in the passenger compartment of a lighter-than-air craft about 4.5 meters above the Earth located at about 40 degrees, 13 minutes 18 seconds North, 74 degrees, 45 minutes 22 seconds West."

 

Ballooner: "You must be an engineer."

 

Local: "Yes, sir, how did you know that?"

 

Ballooner: "Because, everything you've told me is technically correct, but you've still left me in the air with no idea where I am."

 

Local: "And you must be in management."

 

Ballooner: "Yes, how did you know that?"

 

Local: "Because, you went off and got yourself into a heap of trouble, asked me for help, and because you can't understand my answer, it's suddenly my fault."

 

*crickets*

 

Sorry, but the rest of my jokes come with a parental warning.

[Redfish62 1]

The Lie Clock

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him...

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

 

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's President OBamas clock?" asked the man.

 

"Obamas clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[NickySantoro 211]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father, I have a problem.

 

 

 

I have two female parrots,

 

But they only know how to say one thing.'

 

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

 

They say,

 

'Hi, we're hookers!

 

Do you want to have some fun?'

 

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

 

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

 

'I may have a solution to your problem.

 

I have two male talking parrots,

 

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

 

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

 

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

 

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

 

That phrase . . In no time.'

 

Thank you,' the woman responded,

 

'this may very well be the solution.'

 

The next day,

 

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

 

As he ushered her in,

 

She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

 

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

 

After a few minutes,

 

The female parrots cried out in unison:

 

Hi, we're hookers!

 

Do you want to have some fun?'

 

There was stunned silence.

 

Shocked,

 

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

 

And exclaimed,

 

'Put the beads away, Frank.

 

Our prayers have been answered!'

[chefhunter34 1]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

 

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

 

 

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

 

 

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

 

 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

 

 

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

 

 

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

 

 

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..

 

 

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

 

 

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

 

 

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

 

 

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

 

 

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

 

 

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,

 

 

WRINKLED FACED,

 

 

FAT-BUTTED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT

 

 

SON-OF-A-B ASKED,

 

 

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[BRaptor 68]

God was strolling around heaven, enjoying the wonders of all He had created. The beauty, the purity and happiness was ringing through the air in a particularly sweet way that day.

 

Suddenly, God comes across the Devil:

 

"What are you doing here?!? I banished you to hell!"

 

"I built a staircase from hell up to heaven, so I can come up and enjoy this splendor any time I want," replied the devil.

 

"No," replied God, "you have to go back to hell and stay there and block off that staircase, now!"

 

"What are you gonna do if I don't?"

 

"I'm going to get a lawyer and have a court issue an Order."

 

To this, the devil smiles knowingly and quips "where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"

[GoNRA 12]

[Ray Ray 3,566]

Nicky Santoro, you funny man!

[GoNRA 12]

Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

 

After you

[Redfish62 1]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

 

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!!

[djg0770 481]

Understanding Engineers #1

 

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

Understanding Engineers #2

 

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #3

 

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #4

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

Understanding Engineers #5

 

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #6

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #7

 

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #8

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[JackDaWack 2,895]

you guys are too funny..