Helping a Kid w/ a F---ed-up Life

[TheDon 3]

I actually have a legal question that has nothing to do with guns.

 

My niece (Marissa) is scheduled for release from her half-way house in a little less than 3 months. She will be just shy of 23 and will have served 4 years in the NJ prison system. She got 4 flat for robbery when a shoplifting went horribly wrong. She was convicted as an accomplice and it was her boyfriend who laid the a**-whooping on the store clerk who was dumb enough to intervene. I am not excusing her. She got the book thrown at her because she and her boyfriend had numerous prior collars for shoplifting and fraud. She deserved what she got, but she has paid her debt. Now it is time to start anew.

 

My wife and I are concerned because her boyfriend is scheduled for release in December; which probably means September. My wife and Marissa correspond via paper mail. Marissa is talking about running off to Seattle with her boyfriend when he gets out.

 

Marissa was a straight-A student bound for college until she met this punk at 16. She did not finish highschool because of him. She is a registered heroin addict because of him. She did four 3-to-6-month stints in both juvie and jail and one 4-year prison term because of this douchebag. This loser wrecked her life.

 

Her father (my asshole brother-in-law) has written her off. My wife and I would like to intervene.

Is there anything a concerned aunt and uncle can do to save a girl from another prison sentence, this time in Seattle?

 

What are your thoughts?

[BlueLineFish 615]

Call me a pessimist but she will be back with her boyfriend in no time. You good hearted attempt to sve her will wind up with you getting your stuff stolen. It is a bad situation that ou should stay out of. If she is talking about the boyfriend already then she hasn't learned he is the problem. She will be swayed by him as oom as he gets out.

[67gtonut 847]

If she had said she wants to change, then yes do something.

But with already saying she is running off with the boyfriend, I would steer clear

There is nothing you can do until she decides to better herself

[Malsua 1,422]

Stay away. One of my wife's best friend's has a daughter that followed the same script, almost exactly. When she was out the last time, everything seemed great, and she was getting her life together, meanwhile she was robbing everyone she could of everything she could get her hands on.

 

It's sad, but as Troy said, until she's ready to change, nothing is going to change. On this path, she'll be dead of a heroin OD or doing 30 by the time she's 30.

[Parker 213]

Her boyfriend is offering her something she wasn't finding at home. Is she in any kind of counseling or therapy now?

[Babaganoosh 192]

Sadly there is nothing you can do that wouldnt be enabling her. Shes gotta work it out on her own. Just let her know that when she is ready to do the right thing you will be there to support and help her.

[usnmars 136]

Ahh how do i change rep i accidentaly clicked it scrolling down on my i pad

[Midwest 28]

Maybe a church group can help.

[mcbethr 42]

Your goal is very noble, but no, you can't help her.

 

I don't talk about this much, but a few years ago I let my drug addicted younger brother live with me.

 

This arrangement was supposed to be for a few months, until he got on his feet. It ended up being for 11 months.

 

I thought I was doing the right thing, but as it turns out, I was giving him a nice place to crash and a chance to steal from me. There were times when I would wake up at 3AM and there would be people I didn't know sprawled out on my living room floor - his friends who needed a place to stay or to sleep it off. I had two children in the house, and that kind of behavior just wasn't acceptable.

 

I noticed that drug addicts are incredibly good liars, especially when you are trying hard to believe them. They will steal from you when you trust them. They only care about the NOW, anything else, even how they will feel five minutes from now, is irrelevant.

 

It sounds like she made a string of bad choices. It also sounds like she intends to continue. Right now, her behavior is contained. If you get involved, this whirlwind will come into your home and you will have to pick up the mess.

 

If you want to help, talk to G-d and say a bracha for her. Then buy her a warm winter coat and give her some pocket money to get to Seattle, because ultimately, she will do that anyway, with or without you. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were looking for, but I've lived it. I'm sorry.

[DevRickus 2]

The main problem is the boyfriend. If you can possibly do everything you can do in the time she gets out to the time he gets out, then maybe you have a shot. But if she goes back with him, its a hopeless cause. My brother-in law is 23 and is in the same type of situation. After his last jail stint he really has straightened himself out. He has not done any drugs in a few months, has gotten a good full time job, and seems to be a human being again. When he was on drugs he was just way out there and irritable all the time. His girlfriend is still the issue but he is trying to get away from here. People in these situations can change, but they need a strong support system. If everyone is going to give up on her, there is not a chance in hell that she will get better and will probably end up getting worse.

[deadeye74 5]

All you can do is talk to her before the boyfriend gets out and see if you can reach her. It does not help that her father is writing her off. A big part of what may drive her to run off with the boyfriend is a "rebellion" aimed at her father. As mentioned earlier in the thread, it's up to her to change.

[hd2000fxdl 422]

If she wants to change there would be hope, but from the sounds of it you would be better off staying away, hate to put it like that, but sometimes in life there are things that can't be changed.

 

Now if you were the parent I would advise differently, but while family she is still not your child, and you might not only be bitting off more than you realize at this time, it could also come back and hurt YOUR Rights and what you like to do, and yes I am talking about the subject of this Forum.

 

While non of us can make your final decision, you really need to think long and hard and weigh all the options and results that are available and can happen.

[rdsmith3 19]

I just want to add to the chorus that says: You cannot make a person change. If she wants to change, then help connect her with counseling, a church group, or whatever. However, if she does not seem to want to make a significant change in her life, then stay far away. As noted above, addicts are very good liars. Her talking about getting together with the evil boyfriend is not a good sign that she wants to live a better life and make better choices.

 

My first wife has a terrible alcohol addiction. Trust me -- you cannot save someone who does not want to save themself.

[djg0770 481]

My friend did this for his niece who was not quite in as bad a situation as your niece. What I can tell you is exactly what others have told you above. She lived with my friend and his wife (no kids) for close to a year and was stealing from them... That wasn't what pushed him over the edge, it was when they went to friends houses and the niece stole from friends as well. You cannot stop someone from screwing up their life if they want to.

 

Normal people, after spending time in jail because of an a-hole boyfriend wouldn't be looking to come out and get back into the same situation again.

 

I know it's difficult to write off flesh and blood but I tell you that more people have been screwed by flesh and blood than by strangers.

 

I feel the need to point out that you refer to her as a 23 year old "kid". You probably still see her as a "child" the little girl you knew growing up. The fact is she's a full on adult, and is fully capable of screwing up not only her life but your life as well. I caution you to be very careful, and I'd be worried about having an ex-con in my house WITH my firearms. There are other recent threads on here about law abiding citizens losing their guns because of people they let live with them. Be CAREFUL.

[TheDon 3]

Thanks, All.

Great advice from everyone.

I realized that I can’t subtract. My niece will actually be almost 25 when she get out. I can’t believe it has been 9 years.

 

As doing nothing is not an option (my wife needs to do something or she will never forgive herself), we will make a concerted effort to invest in our niece in the time we have. She will be allowed to have visitors soon and at some point they will let her leave for day trips. We will make her a priority and try to get her into a positive support group, church, and all the other suggestions. All good advice.

 

The reason I posted this in the Legal forum is my wife was actually hoping we could get a restraining order or if there was something the “Nanny State” could do. I told her that I highly doubt it and I would not want to live in a State that is able to interfere in personal relationships (I think my wife might be a closet Statist), but I would see if anyone knew of anything.

 

Also, does anyone know of any jobs program or other assistance for recovering addicts that we can look into? For all the “services” this State offers, there does not seem to be much support for situations like this.

[XDJohnTact 49]

If you decide to allow her into your home, make sure all your weapons are in the best safe you can find! As noble as your intentions are, I feel you are going to end up on the short end of the stick!

[TheDon 3]

Already told the wife; under no circumstances will she live with us.

[M4BGRINGO 139]

I've heard pigs will eat anything and everything. Take the boyfriend for a field trip to a pig farm.

[Malsua 1,422]

Already told the wife; under no circumstances will she live with us.

 

That's important. In two instances that I'm very familiar with, both "troubled" people stole jewelry, money out of wallets and change jars, power/air tools, even Levis that got resold for $2. We even suspect in one case, that the girl left the door unlocked so that other folks would come burgle for a cut of the proceeds. She made sure she had an alibi, but was conveniently the last person to leave the home and the theft occurred in a very narrow 90 minute window.

[Krdshrk 3,877]

I've heard pigs will eat anything and everything. Take the boyfriend for a field trip to a pig farm.

 

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

[hd2000fxdl 422]

That's important. In two instances that I'm very familiar with, both "troubled" people stole jewelry, money out of wallets and change jars, power/air tools, even Levis that got resold for $2. We even suspect in one case, that the girl left the door unlocked so that other folks would come burgle for a cut of the proceeds. She made sure she had an alibi, but was conveniently the last person to leave the home and the theft occurred in a very narrow 90 minute window.

 

I was thinking more along the lines of having a prohibited person in a house, that an if when she gets into further trouble them coming in and taking the guns from the home.

[Malsua 1,422]

I was thinking more along the lines of having a prohibited person in a house, that an if when she gets into further trouble them coming in and taking the guns from the home.

 

That is certainly an issue. I'd expect that a parole officer or her counciler or whoever is supervising her release would insist that the guns be in a safe. Frankly, I'd be mostly worried that she'd steal the guns and sell them.

[XDJohnTact 49]

I was thinking more along the lines of having a prohibited person in a house, that an if when she gets into further trouble them coming in and taking the guns from the home.

 

My thoughts exactly! If they didn't steal them, the government would do it instead!

[Tactical Turtle 11]

Call me a pessimist but she will be back with her boyfriend in no time. You good hearted attempt to sve her will wind up with you getting your stuff stolen. It is a bad situation that ou should stay out of. If she is talking about the boyfriend already then she hasn't learned he is the problem. She will be swayed by him as oom as he gets out.

 

I agree I work in a jail, and its a rotating door pretty much. My only suggestion that I have seen work is she needs to loose everything from her past, friends, bfs, and everything else and give her a strong support system. Monitor her, she will probably hate u at first but it may help.

[Parker 213]

As a parent or family member, you might want to try Nar-Anon. There should be a chapter that meets by you, they are situated all over N.J. Here's a link of meeting locations. It's a start and they can offer you suggestions for other avenues that are available.

 

http://nar-anon.org/...New_Jersey.html

[this_is_nascar 162]

I actually have a legal question that has nothing to do with guns.

 

My niece (Marissa) is scheduled for release from her half-way house in a little less than 3 months. She will be just shy of 23 and will have served 4 years in the NJ prison system. She got 4 flat for robbery when a shoplifting went horribly wrong. She was convicted as an accomplice and it was her boyfriend who laid the a**-whooping on the store clerk who was dumb enough to intervene. I am not excusing her. She got the book thrown at her because she and her boyfriend had numerous prior collars for shoplifting and fraud. She deserved what she got, but she has paid her debt. Now it is time to start anew.

 

My wife and I are concerned because her boyfriend is scheduled for release in December; which probably means September. My wife and Marissa correspond via paper mail. Marissa is talking about running off to Seattle with her boyfriend when he gets out.

 

Marissa was a straight-A student bound for college until she met this punk at 16. She did not finish highschool because of him. She is a registered heroin addict because of him. She did four 3-to-6-month stints in both juvie and jail and one 4-year prison term because of this douchebag. This loser wrecked her life.

 

Her father (my asshole brother-in-law) has written her off. My wife and I would like to intervene.

Is there anything a concerned aunt and uncle can do to save a girl from another prison sentence, this time in Seattle?

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

Let her go. There's nothing you can say or do that will change her mind. Sadly, she has to live her life (as bad as it may be), not you or your wife. If you don't disengage, you'll find yourself broke and broken hearted, to the point that it will probably negatively impact your marriage. Walk way from the situation.

[DevsAdvocate 112]

Thanks, All.

Great advice from everyone.

I realized that I can’t subtract. My niece will actually be almost 25 when she get out. I can’t believe it has been 9 years.

 

As doing nothing is not an option (my wife needs to do something or she will never forgive herself), we will make a concerted effort to invest in our niece in the time we have. She will be allowed to have visitors soon and at some point they will let her leave for day trips. We will make her a priority and try to get her into a positive support group, church, and all the other suggestions. All good advice.

 

The reason I posted this in the Legal forum is my wife was actually hoping we could get a restraining order or if there was something the “Nanny State” could do. I told her that I highly doubt it and I would not want to live in a State that is able to interfere in personal relationships (I think my wife might be a closet Statist), but I would see if anyone knew of anything.

 

Also, does anyone know of any jobs program or other assistance for recovering addicts that we can look into? For all the “services” this State offers, there does not seem to be much support for situations like this.

 

Why is your wife thinking that at all? It's not her problem...

[Twospot 38]

No one can change a person but themselves. There is nothing you or your wife can do. You can express your feelings to her and try and persuade her to change, but SHE is the only one who can make the choice. By giving her pocket money or anything else for that matter that allows her to head off with the guy, you are enabling her and that is the worse thing you can do. She has to want to lead a different life. As someone said above, she needs to forget about all the people she used to hang with and start fresh. It is very admirable you guys want to help, but please try to convey to your wife that it is out of her control no matter how much she wants to help. Good luck and sending prayers your way.

[M4BGRINGO 139]

Ok, forget the pigs, how about the Bone Crusher from the movie Nothing But Trouble.

 

Seriously, if you don't get rid of him then keep-away from her, nothing good is going to happen once he is around again.

[TheDon 3]

No need for pigs or a bone crusher. My neighbor across the back owns a concrete company. He's already joked with me and told me that if I ever need a favor...

 

Thanks for all the support. It feels good to know that our situation is not as uncommon as I though. I have shared all the good suggestions with my wife and I think she is feeling a little less compelled to intervene.

We will just do the best we can.

 

Maybe when Jason (the scumbag) gets out I can pretend like I want to get to know him and take him to the range. Accidents are rare, but the do occasionally happen.