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Maksim

Daily humor thread

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How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish Police Officer?
Consider this test scenario:
QUESTION:  
You're a policeman, on duty by yourself.
You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at youYou are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?
 
ANSWERS: 
Canadian Police Officer
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
 
Australian Police Officer:
BANG ! 
 
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...   BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! 
 
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reight noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!
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2 hours ago, Displaced Texan said:

Navigation according to my wife: 

 

612DC326-96E6-46D7-923E-9D8939DC017D.jpeg

My wife does not think this is funny.

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38 minutes ago, brucin said:

My wife does not think this is funny.

Magellan my wife is not. She sent me that meme. The most directionally challenged person I have ever met. 
 

About 15 years ago, she got lost going to the Deptford Mall. She’s driven herself there many times previous to that incident. 
Somehow she wound up around Vineland, before she called me, crying. 
She didn’t have a clue where she was, nor could she tell me what road she was on. 
 

I spent over an hour on the phone with her, talking her back home. :facepalm:

She hates when I tell that story. 

 

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26 minutes ago, Displaced Texan said:

Magellan my wife is not. She sent me that meme. The most directionally challenged person I have ever met. 
 

About 15 years ago, she got lost going to the Deptford Mall. She’s driven herself there many times previous to that incident. 
Somehow she wound up around Vineland, before she called me, crying. 
She didn’t have a clue where she was, nor could she tell me what road she was on. 
 

I spent over an hour on the phone with her, talking her back home. :facepalm:

She hates when I tell that story. 

 

Mine is not quite that bad but I do have to give her directions to places we've been going to for 20 years. By landmarks not North South East or West

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