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Maksim

Daily humor thread

By Maksim, in General Discussion

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njJoniGuy    2,133

njJoniGuy
Posted

Pretty spot on

And so close to reality that I can already hear the ringing of spent brass hitting the ground.

Unless a miracle happens, we're fooked

Totally and for sure

 

And the worst part is, there's very little you and I are going to do to derail this Progressive train that has been gaining speed for a whole century now.

I feel worst for my kids and grandkid(s) (only 1 yet!) the world they're stuck with now.

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SmittyMHS    603

SmittyMHS
Posted

The Almost Perfect Day

 

January 20, 2017

1.    PresidentDonald Trump and Vice PresidentTed Cruz are sworn into office.

2.     In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress convenes for an emergency meeting to repeal the illegal and unconstitutional  Socialist healthcare farce known as Obama-care.  The new  Director of Health and Social ServicesDr. Ben Carson announces that  an independent group of healthcare management professionals is hired  to handle healthcare services for poor and low income people.   They are also assigned the duty of eliminating Medicare and Medicaid  fraud.  Government’s costs for public healthcare are reduced by 90%.  Healthcare insurance premiums for working Americans are  reduced by 50%. The move saves billions of taxpayer paid  dollars.  Healthcare service in the U.S improves  100%.

3.     Newly appointed department of Homeland Security ChiefSheriff David A. Clarkannounces the immediate deployment of Troops to the U.S. Mexico  border to control illegal immigration and the immediate deportation  of illegals with criminal records or links to terrorist  groups.  New bio-encrypted Social Security ID’s are required by  every American citizen.  Birthright is abolished. All  immigration from countries that represent a threat to the safety of American citizens is terminated indefinitely. The move saves  American taxpayers billions of dollars.  Several prisons are  closed.

4.     Newly appointed Secretary of Business and Economic DevelopmentCarly Fiorina eliminates more than half of the Government agencies operating  under the Obama administration saving taxpayers billions of  dollars.  Stocks rise 100%. 

5.     Newly appointed Director of Government FinanceRand Paul announces the abolition of the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal Tax  Return form.  It consists of one page.  The instructions  consist of two pages. The Federal Reserve is audited. The move saves  American Taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax  revenue.

6.     Hillary Clinton is in jail, where she belongs.  Her cell is directly across from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton who are serving  time for ‘Hate Crimes”.  She bitches at them constantly from  behind the bars of her cell in what some might call cruel and  unusual punishment.

7.     Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he belongs.  His room  is directly across from Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews and Al Fanken.  They meet for tea every day at  ten and discuss the success and benefits of Communism and Socialism  throughout the world.  They also wonder when the “Mother Ship”  is going to pick them up and return them to their home  planets.

8.     Windows 12 is released.  It is designed for humans, doesn’t try  to satisfy the needs of every person on the planet, doesn’t require  a degree in nuclear physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7  except it is easier to use.

9.     Barack Obama flees the  United States under cover of darkness and returns to his homeland of  Kenya before his trial for treason begins.  He deplanes on a  remote jungle airstrip.  It was reported that he was last seen wandering through the jungle singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp  named Commie.

10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a new cholesterol and fat free  pepperoni that tastes just like regular pepperoni.

11. Not to  be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and fat free cheeses that taste just like  regular cheese.

12. A  committee is not established to determine what is causing  global cooling.  Billions of taxpayer dollars are  saved.

13.  Jennifer Anniston calls me, crying. She tells me it was a big  mistake dumping me back in 2000 and begs me to take her back.   I decline, explaining that I am happily married. She is devastated  and cries for days. Justice is served.

14. Dead  people are no longer allowed to vote in Chicago, a huge blow for the  Democrat Party in the State of Illinois.

15. I  receive a call from an attorney in Ireland.  He explains that I have inherited a brewery and coastal estate in Ireland from a  distant relative and that I need to be in Dublin as soon as possible  to sign the papers.  Ten hours later we tour our new vacation  home.  There is a red Ferrari in the garage, also part of the  inheritance

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SmittyMHS    603

SmittyMHS
Posted

Guns Don’t Kill People

Yesterday I placed my shotgun on the front porch, gave it six shells and noticing it had no legs, placed it in a wheelchair to help it get around.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the boy across the street picked up my yard, a girl walked her dog down the street and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near my house.

After 10 hours, I checked on the shotgun.  It had not rolled outside and it had not killed anyone in spite of many opportunities that had been presented.

Can you imagine how surprised I was, with all the hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people?  Either the killing is by people misusing guns or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world.  So now I’m off to check on my spoons because I hear they make people fat.

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