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Maksim

Daily humor thread

By Maksim, in General Discussion

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DeerSlayer    241

DeerSlayer
Posted

Utah looks interesting lol.... How can a state be the worst at porn usage? So they look at porn and don't use it properly? Because if they're saying more people in Utah look at porn more than any other state, and that is there worst problem seems like a good place to live to me.

 

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jm1827    284

jm1827
Posted

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto."

"I'd take my half and leave you" she says.

Great he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."

That is great!

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mustang69    505

mustang69
Posted

There is a medical distinction between someone having “Guts” and “Balls”.  We’ve heard friends refer to people with one or the other, but do they know the difference between them?

 

Here’s the official distinction, straight from the American Medical Journal, volume 323 page 295:

 

GUTS – is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom in her hands, and having the “guts” to ask “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

 

BALLS – is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, glitter in your hair and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the “balls” to say “You’re next, Chubby!”

 

I hope this clears up the confusion.

 

Medically speaking though, there is no difference in the outcome.  Both are fatal.

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Sota    1,191

Sota
Posted

How Moses got the 10 Commandments:

 

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested..'

 

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

 

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

 

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

 

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'

 

There. That, should piss off just about everybody.

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louu    399

louu
Posted

Erv and Tom are out fishing on the boat one Sunday morning being quiet not to scare the fish.

 

After an hour Erv says to Tom, "I think I may get a divorce, the woman hasn't said one word to me for over a month."

 

Another twenty minutes goes by and Tom says, "You may want to reconsider Erv, a woman like that is hard to find."

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